What happens if you run out of places to run to? I think I heard apologies mumbled behind me, but when I turned around she was looking the other way. Doesn’t matter much anyway, it was too late for that. The people she told how much she wanted me out had already broken me the news and made sure they included what a nuisance I was to have around, and that I made the whole place a mess with my filthy clothes. Oh what a pig I had been, the whole place smelled because of me, cause I never wash myself and never change clothes. I will never be able to keep my own place without it going to hell in a matter of weeks. I could disagree with each statement and explain how and why, but it would only sound ike I’m making excuses and second, I don’t need to. The people in question don’t know a flying FUCK of what they are saying. They don’t know jack shit about me, no matter how much they think they do. I’m sure calling me a sorry excuse of a human being and telling me to fucking change Right Now requires too much focus to notice I had in fact showered and changed that same day, as a first thing when I came home, like I do every time.
Whatever. It is possible to ignore such things still and focus on getting the hell out of there. We have to start over looking for a place, cause the people we had a deal with simply aren’t returning our calls, or even picking up the phone. (though, I was told that my friend and I never called, and that we are just lying our asses off and taking advantage of the people around us) Damn shame, it was a great place. So now I’m almost desperately looking for a new place, spending my days in Gent. But I’m running out of places to sleep now. Yesterday my stepsister let me know it’s a warzone at home again, this time about my sister. Her friend who was there at the time was told "to get the hell out and take advantage off someone else". For the first time since a very long time (if ever) I’m actually afraid to go home. I don’t want to face how broken our family is. It can’t be ignored anymore. I told my friend yesterday and she said "I don’t know what to say that would make it any better". That’s the most painful part: it won’t get any better. It’ll only get worse.
Dear God what has happened the last week. It’s hard to set my mind straight, I’m all groggy due to a lack of sleep and masturbation. The weight got me on my knees for a second, I honestly lost track of myself again.
The place I’m supposed to move into with my friend is still being renovated and the move has been delayed once again. Frustrating, really. But they hardly seem to give a crap, after all it’s not about Their life being put on hold, is it!? I’m still sticking to it though, it’s too good a deal to let it slip. It’s all temporary, Just a matter of keeping your (and your friend’s) chin up.
Stuff has been happening. Posting it here would result in disaster, which really is a shame cause I’d like it off my chest. Meh. I guess I’ll have to swallow this one. And I’m good at that, they told me. heh heh.
The past week has been a climax of good things and bad things and instead of calming down, it has only grown in speed and proportion. It has occurred to me how I twist and turn in impossible ways to keep my friends from getting hurt somehow. I guess that’s a good thing, I don’t know. It’s sometimes difficult, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love them. You’ll never hear me say that in real life, but I do and they mean the world to me.
Well here’s a happy fact: I found a girlfriend. Did I say ‘a girlfriend’? I meant The girlfriend. I know I just could have hit Return but that would kinda take away the spontaneous effect. Anyway! It has only been a couple days but to me, it’s been a discharge of feelings, hopes and all that stuff of the past year. I had already more or less given up on her, afraid to get lost in illusions and wishful thinking. I had seen too much of that. Right now, I’m scared shitless. I don’t know where this al will lead to and I’m not used to that. But one of the truely valuable things I’ve learned in life is not to let fear guide you. And there’s no chance I’ll let this go now.
This lead inevitably to me having to tell my ex. When she found her flame she waited 2 weeks to tell me and I was pretty pissed about that, so I didn’t want to make the same mistake.
So I finally hurt her. I knew this would hurt her and I did it anyay. One day I promised her I would do anything to keep her from being hurt by me, but this couldn’t have gone any other way, not without me sinking further. She knows that, and she knows I would do anything to make it easier for her. So why do I feel guilty? I didn’t exactly put a gun to her head telling her to run of with that bloke, did I? She didn’t have any hope for what we once had and neither did I. Yet still I feel like I dissappointed her.
We agreed not to see eachother for a while. To give it a rest. Something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time now. It’s sad. I could ask the whole damn town why this has to happen to people who just wanted to love eachother, but no one will know the answer. We asked nicely, and we got a no.
Yes, I started writing again. Reason? I just like to. Helps me clear my mind, and spill things I don’t get a chance to tell others. Don’t expect to see names here. I don’t think the people in question would appreciate it.
Don’t expect me to watch my language. If I want to post about fisting choir boys (which I don’t) I very well do as I please. Feedback is nice to get, but critisism is unnescessary.
Next posts will likely follow. I think I’m gonna divide them into 2 categories, work and personal life. Might even put up a few pictures if I get the chance. "Like a landscape gliding past a train window", I liked that line. They may take a while though, I’m quite busy with other stuff. But I’m sure this isn’t the end, it’s only the beginning. Shit will happen, but I can take it. Things are rapidly changing now, as they have before. But vermin never go, do they. No matter how much you want them to.