entries of confusion

Dear God no, what am I doing?? Where is this going to end? Instead of being a good girl and getting back with her prince she knocked on my door and asked again. She said she broke up with him because she wanted to try over with me. And where the fuck does My opinion come in? Why was it all settled before I even heard of it? And why, why the fuck, did I say yes??

Yes of course I love her, in my own way. Always have, that was never the problem, at least not from that point of view. People who’ve seen me from up close know what a fucking wreck I’ve been the past year. Anything but that again. I just felt like I was on my way back…

What am I gonna do?? Love just isn’t my thing. I can love someone, but it’s all relative. I never felt like I gave anyone the love he/she deserved. I hardly even know what love is, aside from bunched up hormones that make you Weak. Mellow.

She oughtta stay away from me. This’ll end in tears or a corpse in the mud. But she won’t, and I’ll crave it like the needy boy that I am. She was the first and only person that truely knew me. She knows my history, she was part of it. And now she wants my future. But do I want hers?

Her parents are gonne looove this. They were always a big fan of me, like all "adults". Not to mention a few people on my side that would likely slap me a bright pink if they could. And the thing is, they’re probably right.

But in the end, it just comes down to us loving eachother. I’ll try not to burden her with my doubts and fears, they’ve always been a part of me and I hate to bother people with it. Especially her. And even I, in my endless reasoning and overthinking, just want to rid myself of whatever’s holding me back and love her like she deserves. Even I can’t deny actually having feelings. (yuck.)

 

I just saw a shooting star, talk about irony. She was just saying yesterday she hadn’t seen any this year and that’s too bad because she had plenty of wishes to make. Good thing I’m not superstituous, I might be making more wishes I’ll regret.

It’s a miss, sometimes. No fairy tales to believe in, no God to ask for guidance, no "omens" that give you hope. I have a thing with crows, since they stand (to me, anyway) for death and rebirth. Also, I have a necklace with the symbol of the first chakhra, always around my neck. It stands for the point where you are connected to the heavens. At first I wore it because I’m an atheist, which makes me my own god and my entire body this connection point. Nowadays it has far less spiritual and more emotional value. Believing in yourself and having faith in your own character is a very good philosophy when it comes to surviving in boarding school and take on challenges, but when it comes to emotional resilience it’s a big fat zero. What god shrugs his shoulders and says "I give up", or doesn’t know the answer when you present him a difficult choice?

And when you’re about to die, you’re completely screwed. Buddhists, Hindu’s, Christians, they all have at least a chance of coincidentally believing in the right God and ending up in heaven. Athiests are double fucked here: first of all they don’t believe in life after death, so that means you should be Really scared to die because that’s when it all ends (take my word for it, it’s a lot worse than it may sound when you actually fear for your life), and if there really is a god, he’s probably quite pissed off because you chose to believe in something as weak and stupid like your own fleshy self.

Still, I don’t understand people that can believe in something that, wich the tiniest bit of thinking for yourself, instantly ceases to make any sense at all. Or instead of creating their own image to strive to and thus creating a heaven of their own, they choose to follow a dusty old book full of controversy and shady practices.

In the end it doesn’t matter if there is life after death. At least not in life itself. It’s all just for peace of mind when death is inevitable. When I’ll have cancer or there’s a set of headlights coming my way, I wish I could say "the Lord is my shepherd, I fear not."

But no, I had to think for myself.

 

Okay that’s the fifth time I spent 3 hours on the road to go to the shop that has my camera. And for the fifth fucking time, they were closed again. Although today is supposedly my fault, it’s the 11 of november, ANOTHER goddamn holiday, so I could have guessed they’d be closed. The second I catch them with their doors open, they’re gonna get a big, dangerous version of me storm in and strangle one of their employees until they give me back MY camera. They have my number, they have my address, Is It So Bleeding Hard to let me know it’s in Like They Promised!?! I don’t expect to get it back anymore, actually. I’m sure they sold it as a second-hand that was never picked up after repairs. There’s one little tiny problem with that, though. I can prove I paid for the repairs, and I know they can’t prove they notified me Because They Didn’t. So either they’re going to get me a new camera or go knock on the door of whatever fuckwad has it and take it back from him, killing him in the process if nescessary. If not, well, it’s their pretty faces on the frontline. I. Get. Nasty.

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