The house Jack built

Hmkay. I just got a phonecall from my military unit. Apparently I still have one? It was about further training I was supposed to get (truck driver). I mentioned I didn’t "perform" any last year, but apparently that’s not a problem.

Okay so now what? I thought I was through with the military and its frustratingly inefficient bureaucracy. Theoretically, I’m out of it and there’s nothing that can be done about it. Now the head of sec pers (section responsible for personel) calls me and says he may be able to prevent that. To me, it’s not that easy, though.

First of all, I’ll have to cut off my hair again. By itself not That big a deal, but.. I was growing rather attached to the ponytail (get it? growing? attached?). In theory there’s nothing against the rules with it, but they let me know before that this is not appreciated. Last time I cut it, this is the military after all and I’m not going to piss and moan about what I knew very well was going to be a problem when I volunteered.

Second, that means I will have to deal with the military "ways" again. Combat shoes, camouflage uniform, saluting, yes chef, no adjudant, requesting permission to fucking Speak. Having to deal with obscene ego’s because they have a stripe more on their sleeve, even though their overall intelligence would require a new system of negative grades.

On the other hand, I have to consider what I would be throwing away here. They are offering me not just a drivers licence, but a Truck licence, and not only free of charge, but I’m getting Paid for it. And that means, that I will be able to get me a well-paid, relatively interesting job any day of the week, since there’s a big shortage for truck drivers. Hell come to think of it, I might even be able to go on tour someplace if I don’t feel like driving from and back to the volvo cars factory with engine parts.

What they are offering here is extremely valuable, but to me it will come with a price. I was prepared to adjust to the military so I could learn some discipline, I realized very well at the time that I was in desperate need for some. People who knew me, know I changed a lot in that period, and I still have memories that I’ll charish until I die. But after a year of being a roadie (as in, opposed to soldier), not having to answer to anyone, and being who I want to be, both on the outside as on the inside, I’m going to have it real hard adjusting to their ways again.

Either way, I think I’m going to go through with it, or at least try. I’m expecting more bureaucratic mix-ups and delay, but I’ll take my chances.

Come to think of it, I don’t even have a military passport yet. Or beret. Or dogtags. The bastards still owe me.


Yet another soul joins the lately passed. It seems like someone wants to scare the living fuck out of me and whoever it is, he’s getting personal.

Last year I gained a friend, someone with unmatched optimism. Once he lost control of half of his face, but he never stopped smiling. At least, the left side of his face didn’t. And of all people in the world, he has lost his unborn child.

I haven’t met him in person since it happened a few days ago, but the friend/employee who keeps his shop open told me. I couldn’t sleep from it. What in the devil’s name am I going to tell him. Who am I to offer him my support in the pain he’s going though? There’s nothing I can do, Nothing.

The baby was supposed to be born in a few weeks from now. They already bought a cradle, clothes,… There wasn’t a day that passed by without him saying how wonderful life is turning out to be for him, with his (fairly new) wife, new business and his kid. I don’t know what happened to it, I’m not even sure if they know.

I’m convinced that the most unlucky people in the world are the ones that are never born, because all luck is trapped within the life we have. And this particular child, missed out on so much love, and such a wonderful family to be born in.

To me, the most fucked up about all of it is that I felt it coming from the start. Every single time they talked about it, when they assembled the cradle in the shop, I had to swallow this feeling that something was way off. I didn’t think much of it, I still don’t, it was just a dumb feeling like we are bombarded with all day. I never imagined it would be this bad, though. The (mutual) friend said he was crying on the phone non-stop. Him and I aren’t that close, but I’m going to offer all the support I have in me. I’m just, sort of hoping I’ll be strong enough in the first place.

It’s sickening how painful death really is. It just scares the shit out of me right now, the sheer concept of it. Literally, I’m scared. Death has such a devastating impact on things. I think I know why I always react like this, but it’s nothing that can be undone. I’ll have to cope with it. It’s getting morning right now and I’m afraid to go to sleep, fricken pussy. I’m hoping I won’t be lying awake for hours like last night, but I’m rather worried about what to expect to see when I do fall asleep. Sleep has never been my friend too much.

I knew this before, but lately it’s in my face more than ever. Life ain’t fucking fair. And not just "he gets ice cream and I don’t" unfair, I’m talking, astronomical proportions. People fuck up and Waste their miserable, sad little lives while others, who deserve So Much Better, face a deadly simplicity: the answer is no. Cry, scream, curse the stars, people who don’t deserve it get it, and you, do not. I think, next time I hear someone moan about how they want to die or just how miserable they are because they have to walk home, they’re gonna get a fist in their face, or at least a tirade that they will (hopefully) remember the rest of their lives, which will be on the short side if they’ll allow me to grant them what they just wished for.

I don’t believe there is, but I’m really hoping with all my heart there is a heaven of any sorts for all those people who died too soon. Imagine what a comfort it would be for those who are left behind, such as my dear friend now. And if there’s not, we can consider ourselves blessed to die ignorant.


Unborns die, embryo’s are harvested like crop for their cells, love is materialized within society once a year, the dead are frozen to be "resurrected" later, robotic pets are made for lonely allergic (rich) people to love. A man tell his wife he loves her, goes to work and tells his secretary the same during lunch break oral sex. All things that could make one frown, sigh, and move on with his life.

What’s the conclusion here? Nothing, absolutely nothing at all, is holy. Life itself is taken and given by humans, and handsomely paid for. Secrets shared between lovers are used as pick-up lines for future relationships. Your transistor radio tells you daily how much it loves you, in songs that are about just that.

I dare you, walk into a debate about the harvest of stem cells and say, do you realize that you are conceiving and then killing human beings? I’m betting you’ll get laughed at and be told "Yes. Yes we do. What is your point, please?"

"It’s just not ethically ‘right’ to play god/ kill living things/ abuse love itself/ whatever" is no longer a valid point in a discussion. Everything is ethically right because we say so. What is "holy" and what not is now simply a subjective belief and doesn’t apply to science or rules of society. Whatever you can get away with/pay for, is possible. Even death itself can be delayed in many cases if you can afford it. If we can believe some scientists immortality (at least concerning death of age) is within reach, now that several secrets of the aging process have been unlocked.

If you rid yourself of the burden of ethics, you will become much more efficient. You don’t mind killing rabbits at boot camp, don’t care about the deforestation while you work for your multi-national company.

Of course, that will also mean that you become a psychopath, unable to function in a social environment, and you will die alone. And, everything doesn’t have to be all black and white like that, there’s plenty of room for everybody in the grey zone. Where we are all at. But right under us, where we’re all leaning on, is the black line on which our society is built, and that society abides to no "ethics". That doesn’t mean the people within don’t, but only those who want to tire themselves with caring.


2 responses

  1. Grant

    People don\’t believe.  People don\’t care.  They\’ll do what they want, because they can, and it doesn\’t matter to them.  That is what makes this world "suck".  I think it, and what I gather from what you said, you think it.  Why don\’t you believe?

    16 February 2006 at 23:21

  2. Lisa

    My heart breaks for your friends. We don\’t always agree on everything, and thats good i guess, maarten. but inside im crying for you. because im seeing you come to realize that the anarchy games you played at before werent the icy cold indifference you touted them to be. you\’re just like the rest of us morons. Caught up in a life that we have little real control over..and the bitter awareness that the people that are luckiest to have it all are the fuckwads that deserve it least. Get your licence. Marry Tine. And be happy.

    18 February 2006 at 19:56

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