a wonderful waste of life

Okay let’s talk positive for a moment (I’m going to need a shower after this). I am usually the first to say something is fucked up, I’m a cynic sometimes, and I have issues with anything supposedly without a negative side. But, I am Not a pessimist. In fact, after 2 years of spending half my time in a 2×5 meter room thinking about life, I concluded it is a gift and should be accepted as such.

Life, you sorry waste of skin you, is wonderful. That’s right. After nearly going crazy on the question wether life has a purpose (and I’m not even remotely kidding here) I had to face the fact that life Has no purpose, and again after countless hours of chaotic reasoning, I figured just how amazing that really is. If life was destined to serve a purpose, it would chain us to that and our free will would have absolutely no significance whatsoever. Instead, we are given this concept called life, without purpose, without price, to call our own. Life has no purpose but the one we give it. We are free, to give meaning to our own life. Or, just grab it and live meaningless in a never-ending pursuit of happiness. It’s ours for the taking!

Yeah, the world is fucked up. Shit happens all day every day, and it’s not getting any better anytime soon. So fucking what else. Anyone who says life is shit and we’re better off without, can feel free to drop by and I’ll blast a bullet through his head. The theory of reincarnation would at least serve for whatever animal he returns as, instead of that ingrateful fuck that just exploded. Saying anything like this is a slap in the face of those who Did die, who shouldn’t have, and the ones that were left behind to live on without.

Is it really so hard to see, just how absolutely miserable a life really has to be, before it becomes worse than nothing at all? Every single second of happiness, wether it being a smile for a friend that drops by, or the euphoria of seeing a lover after a long time apart. In the end, happiness is everyone’s goal in life. From reproduction to anorexia nervosa or smoking, it’s all one big attempt to find happiness. Without happiness and the hope for it, there would be no life at all.

So fucking face up and live, already. Religion, politics, economy, it’s all a facade. Irrelevant. It is Your Happiness that counts.


The internet can be an absolutely terrifying medium. What makes it so dangerous is its simplicity. When observing both reality and cyberspace you’ll see that every aspect of the net is a simplified verion of real life stuff. Chat rooms, porn, games, none of these can copy the complexity of reality. In a sense that’s too bad, it’d be great to get some head with the click of a mouse, but in other perspectives this makes the net far more appealing than reality.

For example, you can be who ever you want. Many people think they can see a clear image of the personality they’re dealing with on IM or chatrooms or whatever. In fact, they only get to see a picture, drawn by the person on the other side, with the colors he/she chooses to show. Everything that I write on this webpage could be an absolute lie, from stories about my job to ramblings about feelings. Hell I could even be lying about my gender. I don’t think anyone of the people I know on the net (including me) can say they haven’t told a little (or big) lie about their personality or conveniently forgot to mention a detail, afraid of what the other might think. We can present anyone a "purified" version of ourselves, and lie to them, and it’s so easy (and tempting!).

Someone who spends a lot of time on the net can get used to this, and choose to live in a fantasy. Of course there’s plenty of things that you can’t just ignore, but undoubtably there are people who present themselves totally different than they really are, and actually Believe in what they’re showing. A 21 year old kid can pretend to be in the army and a lonely girl can drive young men crazy with sexual hints to feel loved.

A particularly dangerous extent of this is cyber-romance. Many people nowadays can say they have a boy/girlfriend that they haven’t even actually met in real life. 20 years ago that would seem… rather unusual, but nowadays it’s almost commonly accepted. Since IM is only a simplified version of conversating, and cybersex is only a far cry from the "real deal", these two people will at least think once about meeting in real life at a certain moment. And then they have the choice: continue filling in the blanks with perfect fantasy, or face reality. The choice can be hard.

I’m not "against" any of this and I don’t hate or even dislike either cyber romance or the ones involved. I just noticed it’s not my cup of tea, I guess I’m a little anal about what I consider to be real and what not. I also noticed it’s very Tempting. And again, that is mostly because it’s just so easy. Even when you’re "uncovered" there’s a whole community with absolutely Thousands of people to pick one and get their heads spinning with partial nudity pics or role-playing Mister Sensitive, himself. And strangely, it’s just probably all about what you choose Not to tell them.

Of course, the ones who are left with opened eyes tend to get a little hurt, sometimes. Having a cyber-chick who dumps you for another guy can be painfully resemblant to actually getting dumped, by a conventional girlfriend.

And here’s another sweet thing about the net: You don’t just only see what you’re shown, you also do Not see what you’re not. Not just about their personalities. Someone can be flirting with 2 people, and they would never, ever know about eachother. You could be having cyber-sex with two women (18+, people. Let’s stay a little civilized.) At The Same Time, and they would have no clue. You can literally cheat on your girlfriend while you’re talking to her. And the person on the other side of the line, fills in the blanks that he/she can’t see and imagines her/himself as your only true love. Fat chance, sucker. Odds of running into someone just as perfect as you are depressingly against you, since they’re all in her/his head, anyway.

It’s so easy falling in love when you only see what you want to see. And for those who prefer to live in fantasy (not meant personally), I think they’re missing out on a whole lot. Bad, but also good stuff. It’s not too long since I came to notice the diversity of feelings, by going places, seeing things,… If you think you can experience all of them behind your computer screen, or even in your home town, you’re sadly mistaking.


The former soon-to-be-visitor from Norway just let me know plans changed. Her reasons are great and I fully support her in them, but they also mean that her trip is "indefinitely postponed". To me, that looks like a big red fucking -FLIGHT CANCELLED- sign. Sounds Vaguely Familiar, somehow.

And yet again I feel like an idiot getting my hopes up. I now asked not to bring it up too much until Actual Plans Are Made, because it’s such a shitty feeling, and I’ve grown rather allergic to it. Always the same process of anxiety and dissappointment eventually gets you to drop hope soonish when things aren’t looking as bright and sunny as they did yesterday.

But in this particular case, I do still have hopes, and really think that she will still be hopping over. Which is just the reason I want her to shut up about it, because I might just get a tad angry and say things I don’t mean when I face that same old ‘no’, again.


2 responses

  1. May-Anita

    It saddens me a bit that postponement almost means cancellation to you. So.. at the risk of angering you, but with no harm intended, let me just say this: I Will Visit. This Year. Soon. No F\’ing Kidding.

    1 March 2006 at 11:18

  2. Jenzy

    my ears!
    foul language! shame on you!
    But me want you to come here too though, European Mud Reunion pops into my mind. (twisted as it is)

    6 March 2006 at 01:38

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