Archive for April, 2006

Birds!

When does innocent flirting become cheating? Is flirting even innocent? Everyone has his own opinion, but when I ask for it, I always get a vague definition of a line that they have often crossed themselves without realizing.

A friend of mine once went up to a girl to flirt, even though he had a girlfriend. "Just to see if he could, if he wanted to" was his explanation. His girlfriend never knew and no harm was done. But hey, if he’d kiss her to see if he could get her into his bed, or screw around to see if she’d swallow "if he asked her to", there wouldn’t be any harm, either, cause I sure as hell wasn’t going to rat on him to his girlfriend.

One person said, that if you say or do things that you wouldn’t when your girl/boyfriend is around, that’s the danger zone. Well if that’s the case, I plead guilty, cause as far as I’m concerned everyone who has a lover, has said things he/she wouldn’t when the other was around. Relationship problems, "she’s good" mentalk, or even telling someone he/she looks good in that outfit.

"I draw the line when my husband would have an emotional and/or physical relationship with another woman." I have emotional relationships with other women. Other men, too. I love them and I’d do anything for them. It’s of course by far not the kind of love I feel for my girlfriend, but I do nonetheless.

The way I see it now, I would never cheat on my girlfriend. I Love Her and the mere thought of being with someone else, ties my stomach in a knot. Of course, plenty of men before me have said what I do, and still ended up in someone else’s bed. I thought I was above all that but experience taught me otherwise. The same goes for my girlfriend. I trust her completely, but I’m still worried sick, occasionally.

I told my girlfriend, if she’d ever cheat on me and she was sorry, she knew she’d never do it again, and she didn’t want it to come between us, she better not tell me. It would wreck me and our relationship. I believe that a relationship is based on sincerity, not honesty. Some things, "harmless" things without meaning, are better left untold. When she asks, I will tell her. When she doesn’t, neither will I. She knows and appreciates this. It’s a thin line however, between being selfish and being considerate. If I’d fuck someone else and I don’t feel sorry, I know I should tell her, she has the right to know. Will I? I hope so. I don’t see me fucking anyone else so I can’t imagine it would be as simple a situation as it might seem now.

 

I just got a lotter in the mail, from the "ministry of employment and work". Part of their job is to double-check the money I and other unemployed people receive. Apparently, they disagree with last month’s payment. You see, I couldn’t put a V (from vacation) on saturday the 15th, because of regulation C13 and C3A. Because of that reason, they disagree with the money transferred. Please respond to this letter with the form included, stating all that stuff that’s on there, with your signature on it. That way we can work out if you really deserve the 6.52 euro that we think you don’t.

Hmm, let’s see, saturday. I was sitting on my lazy ass in Norway, living on cash that I never worked for. Do I deserve that 6.52 euro? Hell no, but you had to go and offer it to me! When I first refused to go ask for unemployment income, people would call me crazy. Now that I did, and receive money I did nothing for, they ask me "hey did you earn that 6.52? We’ll have to check our register." Tell me, who’s crazy here? This was sent to me on a 3 page letter, with 2 signatures on it. This had to be printed, sent, and signed by 2 people. For a handful of change.

Paris is burning down, the west is burning up. Congratulations, the system works! They caught me stealing money that didn’t belong to me! Fucking idiots… They can Keep the money, for all I care. Might even motivate me to get a decent job and fall in line, after all.

 

Apparently I must be a real pest to live with. My father demands 200 euro per month for me to live here. I call it rent money, he calls it "compensation". Somehow I cost him more than 200 euro a month, even though I buy my own food 90% of the time, and only require 1 extra room in the house to heat.

One year ago I told him, I’ll give you one third of my income this month to compensate for what I cost you, because I realized I had pretty much been pushing it around that time. Today, he yells at me about "that promise I made a year ago and never kept", it seems like he assumed I’d do that every month. What can you say to that? "I was only going to pay for that one month"? His argument is, that I live on his money all the time, when he has to tie ends together. If that’s the case, he’s real good at hiding it, going on holiday 4, 5 times a year and living like god in France.

Eventually, I agreed. The way I see it, if I watch out a bit, I can live without it, and, more importantly, it works as hush-money. Whatever he will be getting pissed about, I’ll always have the final answer. I hardly ever really considered him a father, but now he has promoted himself to landlord. Whatever floats his boat.

I fucking hate having to even bother with money. Income, spendings, savings, I feel like a fucking accountant.


The ghost of who?

Girlfriends and I, don’t mix. Either I make them lesbian, or I make them pissed. I’m in a constant dark when it comes to women. Sometimes I suspect them for just wanting to make trouble for the make-up sex.

Of course it’s not that terrible, but although I can usually read people pretty well, I often fail to see what’s right in front of me when it comes to relationships. It requires my girlfriend to actively communicate, which is, let’s be honest, often difficult for women. I guess I just happened to have hit the jackpot on that matter.

 

While the mother holds her child
Watches him die
Hands to the sky crying,
"Why, oh why?"

Cause I need to watch things die… from a distance
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
You all needn’t choose your lie

Ladies and gentlemen, Tool. Their new single ‘Vicariously’, to be exact. It came out this week, and the album can be expected first thing in May. It leaked on the internet this week, and of course, I was all over it. Took me long enough to find but eventually someone did that for me. Ohmygod I downloaded music. Hey I would have bought the album but they’re not selling it. I could care less about everyday bands who lose money because of internet piracy, but bands I do really like, I support by actually buying their stuff. But that will have to wait until may.

The song itself is just about as genius as Tool gets, but there’s significant differences with previous work. Tool has always been very progressive and has explored what other things can be done with rhythms, guitar, voice and any combination of them, but this song takes a bit step forward on that matter. I can imagine some fans will not like this change. Tool almost totally abandon any obvious structure in the song and seem to want to focus entirely on the lyrics. Not that previous albums had traditional A-A-B-B sounds, but still the melody wasn’t quite as complex as it is here. I’m sure the theme can be found after listening to it a couple hundred times. The Tool homepage gives a sneak peak, as well as some of the artwork that will be found on the new 10,000 days album.

I listened to the rest of the album a couple times now, but only now melodies are starting to stick. It’s just too much to take all at once, every song is an overload of information on itself. It’d help if lyrics could be found on the internet, which is not the case. That too, will have to wait. The crappy thing about any art is that you need to understand it in order to like it. Music is no different, so although I think this album represents Tool at its very best, I feel that I’m missing out on a lot simply because I don’t Understand it.

Somebody, die and make Maynard god. He’s the only truely evolved man who doesn’t have the arrogance not to share his visions with us.

Maynard turned 42 the 16th, by the way. See? The ages match. He’s my biological father. Daddy.

 

Here’s a big fucking surprise for us all: After not responding to calls, letters or anything, the landlord who owns the place I was moving into, turns out to have found someone else. That means, that for the goddamn zillionth time, I’ve been spoonfed false hopes and Fucking Lies once again. I swear to anything, I’m getting real tired of this. Who wouldn’t? This is the third time months of preparation and planning have been for nothing. The boxes in my room have been standing there for almost a year now.

My father isn’t exactly too thrilled about me staying much longer, either: I cost him money. The stepmother didn’t like it any better and showed that by discretely banning me from the dinner table for a couple days. She makes me worry I’m really that hard to live with, sometimes. But hey, so what if I am. I’m the one who’s leaving to live on my own.

…Soon. No, really.


Change of plans, part deux.

As I stated before, plans have a funny way of changing. The fucked up, sarcastic kind of funny.

 

I’m back now, having spent a week in Norway. Great fun and all, but if it were up to the Scandinavian Airline Something (SAS), I wouldn’t have gone at all. Someone seems to have forgotten to fill up the peanut jar because of all times, they had to go on strike 3 days before I was supposed to take off. It luckily only lasted 2 days.

I didn’t quite start packing until I got the all clear, because frankly I didn’t expect it to go through. It would’ve been all too typical to have to blow it off for some strike.

 

But hey, the direction was so nice to bend over and let the unions fuck them just in time for me to go still, so basically I’m whining over nothing.

It was great! Awesome! So cool to see all those people again! Norway is such a beautiful country. Every time I arrive back in Belgium I’m confronted with what crapholes most of our cities really are. Oh, well. In a while you get to love them, in a sad, fatalistic sort of way.

 

Good thing I only stayed for a week, though. I’d quickly grow too attached to the place and people. My hostess was charming as usual and once again, surprisingly tolerant about my lack of manners. Norwegians in general seem to put up with me fairly easily.

Already I want to go back. The place I stayed just feels like a home to me, and I often get the feeling I’m in the wrong place when I wake up in the morning.

So next time she and I will meet, will be around Rock Werchter, and she’ll get to see my friends (both of them!), and the best side of Belgium, which is its music festivals. And if that will turn out anything like it’s promising to be, this is going to be one of the best, if not the best edition ever.


cross-eyed point of view

I said I’d do it, and I did. I couldn’t help myself, I got me a new leatherman. Although I got a better type than last time, it cost me less cause I bought it on Ebay. A Wave. Mmmm, what a beauty.

It still sucks I lost my old one in the woods, though. Luckily I’m not a materialist, or I’d have been in a bad mood for the rest of the week. Maybe it cost me more than it was worth, and it was "only" a Tool, is was still mine and it basically was my answer to everything. "Anyone got a knife?" –"Sure, I got my leatherman right here."    "You wouldn’t happen to have a screwdriver on you?" –"Of course I do."   "Honey I forgot my tampons." –"Heyy, no problem!" I just whooped out my leatherman and everything worked out.

Now I got this fancy new model with blades that can be opened with 1 hand and without having to open the pliers, but I still miss my own over-priced little old Tool. After all, there’s little that this monster can do that my old one couldn’t.

 

The naivety of the masses never ceases to amaze me. For some reason, they seem to think that they can tell the govermnent what to do, or that the impossible goals they set will be only a matter of time.

The non-profit organisation 11.11.11 promised the africans they will "make poverty history" by 2015. Now, there’s a Huge banner hanging in town, "JUST PROMISES ARE NOT ENOUGH". What the fuck. I don’t remember making that promise. If they come up with actual plans for education and prevention instead of throwing money at it, I might be more inclined to help out. Pumping the country full of cash will solve absolutely Nothing.

The American CIA is being investigated by european agencies, because they used private jet companies to transport prisoners unseen. When using commercial air lines, they must notify that they’re a government agency and transporting prisoners. With private air lines, they don’t have to do that. Now Europe is pissed at the community and Amnesty International asked to please stop doing that. By doing so they make absolute fools of themselves in my eyes, because it means they assume the American government gives a flying fuck about what they think. If the CIA really intended to listen to anything Amnesty International has to say, I’m sure they’d just invite Bono over for tea and have him open their eyes to human rights and all that bullshit.

Millions of dollars seem to have mysteriously Vanished from the Tsunami fund. Oh dear god and everyone goes hysteric. How is this possible. How could this happen. Top managers and officials are being questioned for fraude. The public stands amazed by how these people can pull this off without being caught. It seems like I’m the only one thinking, "DUH!?" These people didn’t get their jobs because of their good looks! It is their Job to find ways, loopholes, to get what they want. And they’re good at it, otherwise they wouldn’t have gotten where they are today. Behind door number two, there’s an astronomic sum of money. All it takes is a mere lack of healthy conscience, and there’s Plenty of those people around. The rest is history. And future, because people are still too naive to think that this happens daily, unchecked.

 

I do not mean by this that it’s right to close your eyes for it. It’s just a matter of where to look. Don’t let these folks run amok or give them political invulnerability. They got this job for the money, not so they could make who ever they work for really happy.

Folks who disagree with me are usually the same people who will cross the street when they see someone approaching, asking for money. "Can you spare some change?" Ignore them, and they’ll go away. They’ll just use it to buy booze or smack.

Can your spare some change… Of course we can spare some change, what kind of question is that. We’re just afraid to take out our wallets, because it’s full of bills and all that guy has is the shrapnel in his hands. We tell ourselves he’ll just abuse our compassion for his addiction, and that the money we give to non-profit organisations will be spent in a better way, because they wear suits.

Not wanting to toot my own horn, I always give the money they ask for. "for the train", "to call home", all blatant lies, everyone knows that. What are they supposed to say, I’m a bum and I’m hungry? I need my shot? Whatever the hell they’re going to spend it on, I’m sure it’s more important to them than what we will buy with it, because you don’t see us going through the Humiliation of asking money from people who look down on us. Even if it’s for drugs, so what? This guy Craves his drugs. He Needs them. Do we need the snickers we are about to buy with this money more? Is our chocolate somehow superior to his alcohol? Will we even have to go without our fucking candy if we give him the money? If that’s the case, you’re probably one of them, having to ask money on the streets.


Remember, remember.

After spending (a full!) 21 years learning what’s clever things to do, and more importantly, what’s not, I seem to be making a sport out of ignoring those life lessons. Saying things I know will get me in trouble, letting my sister take my video camera to school, that sort of stuff. Right now, I’m sort of sitting here, waiting for it to backfire in my face and up my nose. I know better, but I do it anyway.

 

I went to see ‘V for vendetta’ with some friends this week. In short, nice movie, if it wasn’t for the Wachowski bros’ typical endless milking of the theme. Sometimes it’s more fun not to fill in the blanks, you know. Imagination has the advantage that everyone has their own perfect version of it and none of them can be matched by pictures.

So yeah, it was an entertaining movie, but little more than that. Of course I liked the philosophy, but to me, there’s nothing new about it. I did love the symbolism of things, though. The smiling mask, the lack of a face underneath, the roses, I’m betting even the blades have some significance. But frankly I’m just too lazy to figure it out.

When you link fiction to reality, it’s absurdly easy to create and "find" irony, symbolism, and patterns. Someone wrote something about the devil, and you steal its context to glorify it in the killing of a priest. Nothing to it, there’s an endless amount of such "underground and mysterious" concepts, quotes and ideas, waiting to be captured and raped.

Linking reality to itself and finding those same ironic, symbolic and repeating events, is much more difficult. They’re there, but they’re much harder to discover since you can’t make them up. It takes research and curiosity, or a insatiable obsession to prove a point, like Michael Moore.

The same goes for undertaken actions. If I had his moves, I’d probably be doing what he does. That is, if it is as easy as it looked. Situations like one man starting a revolution and gigantic protests without vandalism or aggression are very nice, but surreal. In reality no one would want to walk in the front when there’s a shitload of special forces, locked, loaded, and aiming for your face. I don’t kid myself, we’d have to be far worse off before I’d be willing to die for ideals, and I’m sure that goes for most of us. 

I spent a short while on all sides. I lived in a squat for some time, I was in the army, and now I’m pretty much nothing at all but minding my own business. Living in struggle is very romantic. Protests, fights,… Striving for ideals bigger than yourself is a great concept to feed one’s ego with and make movies about, but only a few actually think of that ideal to be bigger than themselves. It’s not fear that’s stopping the others at this moment, it’s indifference. Just like me, everyone sort of minds his own business and doesn’t care about the war that’s being held 3 to 4 times a week between the police and anarchist squatters.

Ideals are carried with you, like the red A on my vest and the fact that I’ll be called upon when a medic is needed in Kosovo (that’s a major if). They only surface when both fear and indifference are overcome, and that requires both confrontation and courage.

‘V for vendetta’ is both fictional and surrealistic. I can’t imagine everyday families risking their lives, only to plunge their country into chaos. Chaos governs change, and both go hand in hand. That’s why change frightens people too, by the way.

It all holds relevance, because it’s all potentially possible. Constantly, freedom is being traded for security. Where it ends, no one can tell. It depends on the hidden, collective ideals of us all, and the events triggering us to be brave enough to demand change.

 

Another film this week: Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Wonderful movie, in fact,  much better than ‘V for vendetta’. I’ll bet my liver that movie is Packed with symbolism, too, but I just didn’t notice. I did see one little thing, though: The ice represented their relationship, and how he was afraid to go further, scared that it might "break", while she walked unafraid but didn’t want to go on without him. You could see where the ice had cracked before, but they didn’t notice.

Jim Carey didn’t do too bad acting his first "serious" character in his career, but I think they could have found a better guy for it. Then again, the movie might have lost a lot of its magic if they would have. I like Jim Carey. Funny guy, off screen even more than on.

The movie shows both the up- and downsides of a relationship, and I could relate to many things that were said. Wonderful movie. See it if you haven’t already. Not as good as Snatch or Ghost in the shell, though. See those first.

 

It’s been ages since I last did drugs. That changed this week, but to be honest, if this was the last time in my life, I wouldn’t be sorry. I didn’t enjoy it quite as much as I used to; mostly it just felt uncomfortable. The effect was far more than I’d expected, seems like I really was addicted in that sense, back at boarding school.

I’ve kept the experimentation with hard rugs to an absolute minimum, for obvious reasons, but I used to smoke pot every night, so I would be calm by the time we went to sleep. It was a daily routine, and necessary in order to calm down. Not because we were on drugs, but because you just need a way to vent when you’re living in that godforsaken place.. When holidays came and I could go home, I caught myself wondering where I would get pot from now. It’s then that I realized I’d better quit altogether. I didn’t have that much trouble with it, so in that sense, I don’t think I ever really was addicted. I didn’t go "cold turkey" and I never regretted anything, still don’t.

I’m not particularly proud of it and I’m sure as hell not encouraging anyone to do the same. I do encourage people to experiment however, and that’s what my friend wanted to do, so we all went on a field trip to Holland and got so fucking high we couldn’t remember which way was up (although I sure as hell could remember which was down).

So now she knows how it is, and I got to remember how it was. After this, I think I won’t be doing any more soon, if at all. I think I’m just too much of a control freak for it. It was fun for a while, but it lasted way too long. In fact I wasn’t fully back to my senses until 24 hours later, and my friend still isn’t back to her usual self.

For the record, no, we didn’t smoke. I’m not That lightweight.