A great world within a small mind
I was a careless child. An arrogant little fuck that spent his days yelling and kicking. That all changed when I was 12, and I was brought head first back to earth. Of all places.
Living under the roof of a man who was (is) a great man but worth nothing as a father, I had to start over and re-write myself, not from the top, but close. 4 psychologists, 2 boarding schools, 3 mind-numbing jobs and 2 years in a uniform later, here I am. I have (okay rent) my own house, I have a job that feels more like a hobby and probably is, and few but dear friends. I’m fit and healthy, and few can tell me shit over the table that I don’t know already. Days in between climbing scaffolding, watching shows and the occasional hike to a far-away country are spent resting and lying in wait for the next opportunity to drift within reach.
However, I’ve been told that I’m seeing it wrong. This "resting and waiting" is actually nothing more than passive couch-hanging, indoors and away from those so-called friends. This house I am so happy with is disorganized and messy, and people don’t like coming here.
I may think a lot of myself because I’ve watched it grow, but with all the effort and life years put into it, this little mind hasn’t even come close to the standard of those around me, who shake their heads every time they see me fret with something, pointless as usual. Friends, in-laws and even my girlfriend wonder what the hell I think I’m doing, and find all this arrogance plainly annoying. After all those years they haven’t come to like me, they -and I quote- "have come to accept me". To tolerate me.
My girlfriend wonders if she doesn’t deserve any better. Sure, she loves me, probably out of habit. But what the fuck I was thinking telling her friends that I don’t see us living together, is beyond her. Now they went and asked her questions that made her feel bad. Apparently, she rather kept the nature of our relationship a secret to them.
I would let all this wash over me, shrug it off as mainstream ideas that lead to pointless judgements. I could have, if it wasn’t my girlfriend telling me all this. I can’t blame her either, actually. Now that she has two degrees under her arm and is ready to go and do so much more than I ever could, she now has to pauze and wonder what to do with me. This character, actually happy with the morsels he surrounds himself with, who doesn’t want to live together, and hates doing the dishes. What is left, is -quote- "a shallow relationship" which doesn’t get her anywhere. She just doesn’t see us sharing a future together.
Four orgasms later a thunderstorm had started, and we went downstairs to watch. Sitting there in the dark, I couldn’t shake the eerie memory of the first time we broke up, when we sat in my parents’ garden for most of the night. It was to be our last night together.
She tried to break it gently. "Maybe you should find someone who suits your ways better." "I’m the only one you ever slept with, perhaps you should go fuck around some." Absurd, yes, but then so are all "it’s not you, it’s me" excuses. In between explanations why certain individuals have started to hate me (dishes were mentioned) they were all the more meaningless.
At this moment, I just don’t know what to think, anymore. Yes, we are still together, but I never thought our problems were this big. Of course we never fit together, never have and never will. Why that has to be a problem…
Two years and counting, 6 in total. Ready to be flushed down the drain. Changes are due, or one of us will have to have the strength to end it.
Thing is though, when she says she can get better, I know she’s right. Maybe I should be the one. Maybe loving her today, means ending it before tomorrow.