To Be Continued…

And I’ll dance with you in Vienna
I’ll be wearing a river’s disguise
The hyacinth wild on my shoulder,
My mouth on the dew of your thighs
And I’ll bury my soul in a scrapbook,
With the photographs there, and the moss
And I’ll yield to the flood of your beauty
My cheap violin and my cross
And you’ll carry me down on your dancing
To the pools that you lift on your wrist
Oh my love, Oh my love
Take this waltz, take this waltz
It’s yours now. It’s all that there is

I’m going out of my mind with frustration, and my colleagues knew it the last couple days. Just today I had several arguments up to the point of shouting, from some dumb shit too thick to realize you shouldn’t drop steel pipes where people are standing, to a StageCo guy who wouldn’t get off my back claiming I wasn’t working hard enough- a rather sensitive point of mine.

What they don’t know however, is that I’m sorry. I would have gotten just as mad on any other day but I probably wouldn’t have yelled at them, and dropped it when my colleagues politely asked me to.

The reason?
My relationship is about to fall apart and I don’t know what to do. Only she can dig this hole for me, where I laugh with something and then wonder why.
We’ve come at a point where we have to take a good look at our future. She has graduated now and she wants to live together, eventually have children. I on the other hand, living day to day, was perfectly happy with how things were. Granted, we didn’t have a very deep relationship, but that kind of came and went, depending on the moment and bluntly, whether she had exams or not.

It’s true though, we only see each other at one home or the other. We don’t have any common hobbies, and whatever we fill our days with is vastly different. The only places that are left, are our beds.
Not that we didn’t try. I keep nagging for her to join me in capoeira class, and she tried to pull me to her folk dance thing (shudder).

Yes, a relationship bleeding to death. But fuck me, do I love her. If there was anyone on this godforsaken planet I want to spend my life with, it’s her. If there was anyone I’d marry, live with, have children with… Which is exactly why I don’t. I honestly, truly believe that us living together wouldn’t work out. Before you feel obliged to share your unasked opinion, No. It’s not some issue, fear of bonding, any of that shit. I just gave it a Lot of thought, and I can say in dead honesty that I don’t believe we are compatible enough. Oh I would want it to be, I would give so much for it to be just that easy. I try to imagine what it would be like, just us, our family. But I keep hitting one wall, and that’s this hard no regarding our emotional compatibility. In a sense, our relationship kept itself alive with its shallowness.

 

She was supposed to call me, but instead a friend of ours did. She "didn’t have the time". In the nearly 20 years that I know her, that’s the first time that I hear this. It’s night now and I want to call her, but I’m afraid to. Scared to death that she won’t pick up, and get my mind running. Or that she will sound confused, distracted… By something else. God help me, my skull is about to split.

I want to be there for her. I want to give her what she wants, offer a man that can carry her core with one hand while caressing her face with the other. Her rock. Her support. Love.
I want to pick up the phone, tell her that I love her, that I’m sorry and I’ll fix it. I usually can, it would only be a matter of keeping your teeth together for any given time. But this, I can’t do. I’m trapped, caged. I’ve reached a line that I told myself never to cross, at the risk of something far greater. And yes, I questioned myself time and time again, I swear she is the only one in this fucking hole that can make me do that, it’s what got us back together in the first place. But I reach the same conclusion every single time, see the same scenario unfold, where we learn to hate each other. She would be a whine, and I would be a senseless fuck.

 

So this is where it ends, where I end. It’s unbelievable: Despite my promises, the best I can offer her is some guy around the block. She would have to live alone, which she doesn’t want to, or with someone else again. That’s just… all that I am. Just that. I have never felt like such a failure. Like a fraud.

All I can do is want, and beg for it. We can find a common interest and built a little on that, I can get off my ass and do some work around the house to make it a little more welcoming for her. But that won’t solve the problems speeding into my face like a passenger train. So in silence, and now in writing, I hope and I pray that this will work out. …Somehow. Anyhow. Please. I don’t want to lose her again.

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