Scarlet Letters

First off, I would like to say that you’re not my type. Don’t get me wrong, you are an exceptionally pretty girl, but there’s something about you… confidence, I think. Makes me feel less of a man. That’s probably it.
It’s a good thing, though. Nowadays I get very jealous, very easily and it would have eaten me to watch you dance with that other guy. You’re a remarkable dancer, especially for someone your size. It was a true delight watching you behind the bar while the salsa lessons where going on.

Let’s get to the point. I want to thank you. You now know that I just got out of a long-term relationship, but you don’t see how much it tore me apart. Even as I said that I’ll grow old missing a part of myself, you switched the subject back to french fries. But yeah, they were quite good.
You can’t grasp what you did for me. Heck, all you did was talk. You’re good at that, and aside from education I was amazed about the things we have in common. "I play badminton." So do I! "I go wall climbing." Lately, so have I! Well, two times in the last four months. "I play squash now and then." I’m going to shut up, I think you just stopped believing me.
Conversation. I thought I had lost the skill. But somehow, we rarely ran out of things to talk about, which was mainly you. I listened with great interest, even when you and that biochemist were blabbing about cancer-inducing chemicals and the destruction of DNA. Yes, I remember that, and yes, I felt jealous. Because all I could talk about was black steel and he seemed to know about even that, the smug nerd. But you hate jealousy, so let’s not go there.

You see, what surprised me most of all, is that I kept your interest. If it was sexual attraction, you’re damn good at hiding it. But then, so am I. Force of fucking habit which I doubt you have. You are hard to entertain, you dislike easily and you don’t hide it. Yet I caught your fancy, from the start. Probably because I asked what brand of camera you had and I mentioned I did audio-visual arts in school. My past is pretty much all I have to offer, though you needed very little of it to keep interested, and talking. Talking. Two days with a hug and a number to top it off. You didn’t pity me, or tried to cheer me up. You did, though. More than you can know. And I’ll be damned if you didn’t have a good time, too. Fuck me if you didn’t seem genuinely happy to see me when I showed up at the sports hall, to your surprise. Can you believe I tried to clean up my place a little in case you would come over? I can’t. Still looks like a dump, but it’s my dump, and you’re new so I can tell you I just moved in.

I have done up a list
of pros and cons
for suicide

and both sides
are equally full

of bullshit.

-A Softer World

Thank you. I never gained a friend this spontaneously. I owe you more than I can ever repay you. But I hate climbing, and you love to do it in good company. So there we have a start. And you said I have talent, maybe I’ll learn to love it. In a sense, I already do. Something to add to the ‘con’ list.


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