Archive for November, 2008

Fuck you anyway.

Maarten is off. And to elaborate, here’s a quick Q&A inspired by the responses I’ve had so far.

Q: Heard that before. So where are you off to now, stud? Canada? US? Norway? Or will it be the ardennes for a day or 2 after all?
A: Dublin, Ireland.

Q: Ohh that’s intriguing. You decided this all on your own? Does Maarten have a sense of assertiveness after all?
A: No. I invited myself after hearing two friends of mine were planning on celebrating new year over there. They didn’t’ seem to mind, so off I go. I have to say though, it was particularly difficult to get over all that "Oh no into the unknown" reluctance, but it’s a leap of faith and I don’t want to back down on it.

Q: Curious. New years? So basically, you’ll be back within a couple days?
A: No. My friends will be going home after 3 days, but I didn’t want to do that. Instead, I only paid for a one-way ticket.

Q: Interesting. And you have the money for this? You are confident enough to basically, trap yourself there without a thing to fall back on?
A: As I said, it’s a leap of faith. I just made the gap a little wider, so to speak. I fixed my unemployment income so I’ll have one month of wage to cover me, after which I will very quickly run out of money- If I haven’t already.

Q: Inspiring. But… Why? You don’t give a fuck about Ireland. You don’t drink, you don’t smoke, you don’t blow cars. There’s nothing for you there. Why go?
A: That’s where my friends are going, so that’s where I’ll be. I won’t be trapped there necessarily, there are cheap rides (hopefully) to Scotland, England, Iceland and Norway. So far I haven’t decided what I want to do.

Q: Thought provoking. Alright, then. Riddle me this: Why stay?
A: To leave. To "reboot". I’ve lost myself, and I’m quite sure I just might be in Ireland. Seriously, though. I want to start over, but for that I need a blank slate. I’ve run into a dead end in what I’ve become: I’m stuck. I can’t seem to grow further, at least not fast enough. It feels like wading through jelly, and I need out. Putting myself in this situation in which anything can happen and anything is possible, I want to get a better look at myself, and who I am in different circumstances. Hopefully I will come back with answers. It’s quite possible I will be a different person but I’m not getting my hopes up too much.

That is not why I’m going, but it is why I am staying. I will be back, eventually. When I want to, or when I really must. Could be a week, could be 6 months, or longer, depending whether I find a job there. They got U2, right? I’m sure they can use a fine roadie.

So seriously: Nothing personal, but fuck you all. I’ll miss you, but that’s the point. If anyone wants to join me, that’s fine, but they will have to keep up.

I need to be set loose. Just… follow my impulse and emotions, which I’ve had to repress for too long. I need to redefine myself. It would be nice to have someone to talk to but I don’t want to be bound by their expectations, they will (hopefully) see me quite differently than usual, and will (hopefully) disapprove of how I will deal with ethical questions. Revolution always comes ridden with violence.

Disposition Reflection Triad

It’s been a couple days since the last time my little world was turned upside down, and by now I’ve come to analyze just about every detail and aspect of it. Not its consequences or resulting dilemma’s, but the event itself. What happened? Why? How? What was triggered, besides the obvious?

I’m quite sure she must have felt awful, the way I treated her when she was in my bed. One moment I snuggle into her and return her touch, the other I am practically shoving her forcefully off the side. That’s no way to treat anyone, but with my mind alternating between sleeping the best in months and sudden panic attacks, things were quite… blurry. To say the least. Space could have doubled over in place and I would find it pretty normal. Which is just might have. "When reason sleeps, the demons awaken."
I should apologize, but I don’t have the heart to. Which is good in a way, since this lack of heart is the exact thing that drove her off in the first place. Maybe it will help her let go.

During the couple moments (which, in my memory, add up to a couple hundred, demonstrating my confusion at the time) in which I let her come close, I could sense some conditioned trigger going off. Not just the reflex to touch and well, jump her, but something deeper. The whole situation was like pieces of a puzzle falling into place. It struck me right then, though not on a conscious level, that this was just how reality looked to me. The finished picture. In other words, I couldn’t, and still can’t, picture myself in bed with anyone else despite the fact that I’ve been there. No other piece would complete the puzzle.

She’s hard-wired into my brain, and I am acutely aware of that. As I said before, I can close my eyes and picture her in any situation and dress state. Quite naturally, I can’t do that with anyone else; Hell not even myself (Not that I would want to). As an extent of this, though perhaps not as extreme, I just can’t picture myself being with anyone else, either, which is most likely the reason why I must seem to uninterested. If you are told to complete a task that is physically impossible, you’re not going to put much effort into it, are you? Even though this is wholly dependant on your definition of what is possible, and thus reality. And my reality, is her.

Yes, I’ve been in other, very short-term relationships, and I found myself reaching back for that simply for the sake of comfort, a reflex that cost me a good chunk of my confidence and patience already. You can’t go back in time, that much is clear and I know that, I’m not the "could-would-should have" kind of person. But even while moving on into the future, I try and dig back in my past. To find something familiar so I can take that along. And is that so surprising?

If I look around now, everything is different. Everything. The oldest aspect of my life right now is my job, which I’ve had for close to 4 years now. New home, new everything. And with all your surroundings changing as drastically as they did recently, the only thing you can still rely on, is you. That core in the middle, hopefully strong enough to support you.
I’m lucky though; even though it cost me several years of my life, I have a sound set of ethics and personal philosophy to maintain my sanity surprisingly easily. It doesn’t make the changes themselves more comfortable, but at least I can, in time, collect my confidence and say, though hesitantly, that I’ll make it through. One foot in front of the other, blindly if necessary. Only common logic telling you that this will inevitably take you forward.

Okaaay… This is usually the part where I reach some conclusion and phrase it into a cryptic metaphor. I like doing that, and to be honest I really think some of those should be included on certain quote sites, but then everyone tends to think that of themselves.
I am aware that my ethics and views shift to adjust to my actions, while the principle is the exact opposite. But they do with everyone. Trees wouldn’t stay standing if they wouldn’t bend to the wind. Yay I found my metaphor.

So yeah, all that from a couple days reflecting on what happened. Over analyzing separates the body from the mind, which, in contrary to popular belief, is a good thing if we’re talking growth. It’s the Tai Chi of the mind.

I think I need to pick up smoking pot again.

Too many puppies…

I often think I should get out among people more, but despite the fact that I’m a very solitary person, I can’t help but feel crowded, lately. Not that I have that much people around me, as much as the impact they’re having.

I had a major argument with my roommate this morning. I think we woke up the neighbors, if they would still be sleeping around noon. They would.
He had gone partying the night before and that’s fine by me. I don’t even care so much that he emptied his bag of chips a second time over my toilet and bathroom floor. But the fact that my bare foot ended up in it 7 in the morning, pissed me off quite effectively. When he started playing the victim card when I made him clean it up before work, I damn near snapped. He doesn’t seem to get that I didn’t sign up for this when I let him in. And I on the other hand, can’t understand what he was thinking to begin with, never having been drunk properly in my life to begin with.

So yeah, things were quite explosive. Pent up emotions that I promised myself never to let go unspoken came out, and I was ready to send him on his way. But seriously, I don’t want to hear how he thinks it is normal, or at least common, to do this to someone and then actually go to work leaving that shit behind.


Number two to turn my little world upside down was, you guessed it, "her". My ex. Every single year since my 14th, she has made my birthday (Did I mention I turned 24 this week?) a true marvel and weeks before it was that time again, I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist. But I didn’t expect her to actually come knocking at my door. I have 24 roses in a thermos downstairs now and a mind ready to melt down and leak out my ears.

You see, this is how these things go: She thinks of some present or other, and she wants to drop it at my door. Present becomes presents, and "at my door" becomes "behind my door" because cats would eat it, and guess who was home. I leave my door unlocked when I’m home (armed to the teeth, so think again) so she basically just… walked in just as I finished Half-Life 2 for a third time. We both kind of stood there, not knowing what to say but, "How are you?"
– "A crying heap of emotional wreckage. You?"
– "Worse."

I was going out a couple hours later, going to have dinner with a couple friends. And of course, how could I not, I asked her to come. Her company is something I begged for many a night, and once I had it, I wasn’t just going to let go. Obvious, right? Right.
She did ask if I was very sure I wanted her to come along. My answer was "What do I know." I honestly couldn’t come up with anything better.

One dinner and a couple drinks later, Maarten was knackered, as he had been up since 6am and was ready for bed. We all said our goodbyes, and Maarten went home… With her in his footsteps. Her car was parked right in front, of course.
And just as of-course, she came in. We chatted for a while, this ‘n that, I went to bed. And of course, she came along. There would have been absolutely no way she could not have asked to "tuck me in", and there couldn’t possibly have been one way in which I would have said no. That’s just how things work. The sun shines, dogs reak, and these two lost souls crave each other more than anything. Universal truths of the simplest kind.

No, nothing happened. Oh I wished it to, right before I prayed for her to leave. Just… hold me once more and then go. Or not yet. I can take it just a few moments more. Eventually she left, and that would have been about the point where the camera zooms out from above and you can see a little boy, curled up in his blankets, and with epic violin crescendo you come to feel just how lonely he must be. Ta daa.

She left a letter, too. I always hoped she’d be sorry, that she regrets what she did, but this I neither expected or wanted. It explains, in quite a few more words, how lost she is without me. And she wants "to talk".
Where could that possibly lead? Sad as it may seem, I really don’t think friendship would work out. Not in a world where dropping a present in front of some one’s door leads to bathing in each other’s scent – in bed of all places. And what if -when- one of us gets into another relationship again? And no, getting back together just. wouldn’t. work. As much as there is nothing I would love more, I couldn’t do this anymore. Unconditional love just got murdered, and tying it to strings like Kermit won’t give it a heartbeat. There’s no pretending that kind of thing, although I would be very good at it. For the first few years, anyhow.

So now what?
First of fucking all, while your input is appreciated fuck you very much, don’t think you know how I feel. You didn’t grow up with her. Your very being didn’t merge with hers as you both grew to be the person that you are today. You think you know, but you’re clueless. You couldn’t get a clue if you were standing in a clue meadow, covered in clue pheromones during clue mating season. Erase what you think you know, and think again. Fill in the one blank that used to be your own entirely unrelated memory and start from there. Imagine that you knew a 14 year old girl that you used to tease, and fell in love with her the very moment you learned to even notice girls. Imagine holding her hand while you grow. Imagine the hardships when you go to boarding school, away from her, and later the army. Imagine the nights you spend comforting her, assuring her that she will, in fact, not fail her exams and get her top grades like every time. The kind of security we can give each other. The sense of tranquility calming your heartbeat when hearing her voice. How you can be yourself and precisely and only that, when she is there. And then watch it burn.

And then, tell me what to do. Please.