Too many puppies…

I often think I should get out among people more, but despite the fact that I’m a very solitary person, I can’t help but feel crowded, lately. Not that I have that much people around me, as much as the impact they’re having.

I had a major argument with my roommate this morning. I think we woke up the neighbors, if they would still be sleeping around noon. They would.
He had gone partying the night before and that’s fine by me. I don’t even care so much that he emptied his bag of chips a second time over my toilet and bathroom floor. But the fact that my bare foot ended up in it 7 in the morning, pissed me off quite effectively. When he started playing the victim card when I made him clean it up before work, I damn near snapped. He doesn’t seem to get that I didn’t sign up for this when I let him in. And I on the other hand, can’t understand what he was thinking to begin with, never having been drunk properly in my life to begin with.

So yeah, things were quite explosive. Pent up emotions that I promised myself never to let go unspoken came out, and I was ready to send him on his way. But seriously, I don’t want to hear how he thinks it is normal, or at least common, to do this to someone and then actually go to work leaving that shit behind.


Number two to turn my little world upside down was, you guessed it, "her". My ex. Every single year since my 14th, she has made my birthday (Did I mention I turned 24 this week?) a true marvel and weeks before it was that time again, I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist. But I didn’t expect her to actually come knocking at my door. I have 24 roses in a thermos downstairs now and a mind ready to melt down and leak out my ears.

You see, this is how these things go: She thinks of some present or other, and she wants to drop it at my door. Present becomes presents, and "at my door" becomes "behind my door" because cats would eat it, and guess who was home. I leave my door unlocked when I’m home (armed to the teeth, so think again) so she basically just… walked in just as I finished Half-Life 2 for a third time. We both kind of stood there, not knowing what to say but, "How are you?"
– "A crying heap of emotional wreckage. You?"
– "Worse."

I was going out a couple hours later, going to have dinner with a couple friends. And of course, how could I not, I asked her to come. Her company is something I begged for many a night, and once I had it, I wasn’t just going to let go. Obvious, right? Right.
She did ask if I was very sure I wanted her to come along. My answer was "What do I know." I honestly couldn’t come up with anything better.

One dinner and a couple drinks later, Maarten was knackered, as he had been up since 6am and was ready for bed. We all said our goodbyes, and Maarten went home… With her in his footsteps. Her car was parked right in front, of course.
And just as of-course, she came in. We chatted for a while, this ‘n that, I went to bed. And of course, she came along. There would have been absolutely no way she could not have asked to "tuck me in", and there couldn’t possibly have been one way in which I would have said no. That’s just how things work. The sun shines, dogs reak, and these two lost souls crave each other more than anything. Universal truths of the simplest kind.

No, nothing happened. Oh I wished it to, right before I prayed for her to leave. Just… hold me once more and then go. Or not yet. I can take it just a few moments more. Eventually she left, and that would have been about the point where the camera zooms out from above and you can see a little boy, curled up in his blankets, and with epic violin crescendo you come to feel just how lonely he must be. Ta daa.

She left a letter, too. I always hoped she’d be sorry, that she regrets what she did, but this I neither expected or wanted. It explains, in quite a few more words, how lost she is without me. And she wants "to talk".
Where could that possibly lead? Sad as it may seem, I really don’t think friendship would work out. Not in a world where dropping a present in front of some one’s door leads to bathing in each other’s scent – in bed of all places. And what if -when- one of us gets into another relationship again? And no, getting back together just. wouldn’t. work. As much as there is nothing I would love more, I couldn’t do this anymore. Unconditional love just got murdered, and tying it to strings like Kermit won’t give it a heartbeat. There’s no pretending that kind of thing, although I would be very good at it. For the first few years, anyhow.

So now what?
First of fucking all, while your input is appreciated fuck you very much, don’t think you know how I feel. You didn’t grow up with her. Your very being didn’t merge with hers as you both grew to be the person that you are today. You think you know, but you’re clueless. You couldn’t get a clue if you were standing in a clue meadow, covered in clue pheromones during clue mating season. Erase what you think you know, and think again. Fill in the one blank that used to be your own entirely unrelated memory and start from there. Imagine that you knew a 14 year old girl that you used to tease, and fell in love with her the very moment you learned to even notice girls. Imagine holding her hand while you grow. Imagine the hardships when you go to boarding school, away from her, and later the army. Imagine the nights you spend comforting her, assuring her that she will, in fact, not fail her exams and get her top grades like every time. The kind of security we can give each other. The sense of tranquility calming your heartbeat when hearing her voice. How you can be yourself and precisely and only that, when she is there. And then watch it burn.

And then, tell me what to do. Please.


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