Disposition Reflection Triad
It’s been a couple days since the last time my little world was turned upside down, and by now I’ve come to analyze just about every detail and aspect of it. Not its consequences or resulting dilemma’s, but the event itself. What happened? Why? How? What was triggered, besides the obvious?
I’m quite sure she must have felt awful, the way I treated her when she was in my bed. One moment I snuggle into her and return her touch, the other I am practically shoving her forcefully off the side. That’s no way to treat anyone, but with my mind alternating between sleeping the best in months and sudden panic attacks, things were quite… blurry. To say the least. Space could have doubled over in place and I would find it pretty normal. Which is just might have. "When reason sleeps, the demons awaken."
I should apologize, but I don’t have the heart to. Which is good in a way, since this lack of heart is the exact thing that drove her off in the first place. Maybe it will help her let go.
During the couple moments (which, in my memory, add up to a couple hundred, demonstrating my confusion at the time) in which I let her come close, I could sense some conditioned trigger going off. Not just the reflex to touch and well, jump her, but something deeper. The whole situation was like pieces of a puzzle falling into place. It struck me right then, though not on a conscious level, that this was just how reality looked to me. The finished picture. In other words, I couldn’t, and still can’t, picture myself in bed with anyone else despite the fact that I’ve been there. No other piece would complete the puzzle.
She’s hard-wired into my brain, and I am acutely aware of that. As I said before, I can close my eyes and picture her in any situation and dress state. Quite naturally, I can’t do that with anyone else; Hell not even myself (Not that I would want to). As an extent of this, though perhaps not as extreme, I just can’t picture myself being with anyone else, either, which is most likely the reason why I must seem to uninterested. If you are told to complete a task that is physically impossible, you’re not going to put much effort into it, are you? Even though this is wholly dependant on your definition of what is possible, and thus reality. And my reality, is her.
Yes, I’ve been in other, very short-term relationships, and I found myself reaching back for that simply for the sake of comfort, a reflex that cost me a good chunk of my confidence and patience already. You can’t go back in time, that much is clear and I know that, I’m not the "could-would-should have" kind of person. But even while moving on into the future, I try and dig back in my past. To find something familiar so I can take that along. And is that so surprising?
If I look around now, everything is different. Everything. The oldest aspect of my life right now is my job, which I’ve had for close to 4 years now. New home, new everything. And with all your surroundings changing as drastically as they did recently, the only thing you can still rely on, is you. That core in the middle, hopefully strong enough to support you.
I’m lucky though; even though it cost me several years of my life, I have a sound set of ethics and personal philosophy to maintain my sanity surprisingly easily. It doesn’t make the changes themselves more comfortable, but at least I can, in time, collect my confidence and say, though hesitantly, that I’ll make it through. One foot in front of the other, blindly if necessary. Only common logic telling you that this will inevitably take you forward.
Okaaay… This is usually the part where I reach some conclusion and phrase it into a cryptic metaphor. I like doing that, and to be honest I really think some of those should be included on certain quote sites, but then everyone tends to think that of themselves.
I am aware that my ethics and views shift to adjust to my actions, while the principle is the exact opposite. But they do with everyone. Trees wouldn’t stay standing if they wouldn’t bend to the wind. Yay I found my metaphor.
So yeah, all that from a couple days reflecting on what happened. Over analyzing separates the body from the mind, which, in contrary to popular belief, is a good thing if we’re talking growth. It’s the Tai Chi of the mind.
I think I need to pick up smoking pot again.