Fuck you anyway.
Maarten is off. And to elaborate, here’s a quick Q&A inspired by the responses I’ve had so far.
Q: Heard that before. So where are you off to now, stud? Canada? US? Norway? Or will it be the ardennes for a day or 2 after all?
A: Dublin, Ireland.
Q: Ohh that’s intriguing. You decided this all on your own? Does Maarten have a sense of assertiveness after all?
A: No. I invited myself after hearing two friends of mine were planning on celebrating new year over there. They didn’t’ seem to mind, so off I go. I have to say though, it was particularly difficult to get over all that "Oh no into the unknown" reluctance, but it’s a leap of faith and I don’t want to back down on it.
Q: Curious. New years? So basically, you’ll be back within a couple days?
A: No. My friends will be going home after 3 days, but I didn’t want to do that. Instead, I only paid for a one-way ticket.
Q: Interesting. And you have the money for this? You are confident enough to basically, trap yourself there without a thing to fall back on?
A: As I said, it’s a leap of faith. I just made the gap a little wider, so to speak. I fixed my unemployment income so I’ll have one month of wage to cover me, after which I will very quickly run out of money- If I haven’t already.
Q: Inspiring. But… Why? You don’t give a fuck about Ireland. You don’t drink, you don’t smoke, you don’t blow cars. There’s nothing for you there. Why go?
A: That’s where my friends are going, so that’s where I’ll be. I won’t be trapped there necessarily, there are cheap rides (hopefully) to Scotland, England, Iceland and Norway. So far I haven’t decided what I want to do.
Q: Thought provoking. Alright, then. Riddle me this: Why stay?
A: To leave. To "reboot". I’ve lost myself, and I’m quite sure I just might be in Ireland. Seriously, though. I want to start over, but for that I need a blank slate. I’ve run into a dead end in what I’ve become: I’m stuck. I can’t seem to grow further, at least not fast enough. It feels like wading through jelly, and I need out. Putting myself in this situation in which anything can happen and anything is possible, I want to get a better look at myself, and who I am in different circumstances. Hopefully I will come back with answers. It’s quite possible I will be a different person but I’m not getting my hopes up too much.
That is not why I’m going, but it is why I am staying. I will be back, eventually. When I want to, or when I really must. Could be a week, could be 6 months, or longer, depending whether I find a job there. They got U2, right? I’m sure they can use a fine roadie.
So seriously: Nothing personal, but fuck you all. I’ll miss you, but that’s the point. If anyone wants to join me, that’s fine, but they will have to keep up.
I need to be set loose. Just… follow my impulse and emotions, which I’ve had to repress for too long. I need to redefine myself. It would be nice to have someone to talk to but I don’t want to be bound by their expectations, they will (hopefully) see me quite differently than usual, and will (hopefully) disapprove of how I will deal with ethical questions. Revolution always comes ridden with violence.