All I wanted was to get laid without ending up in a relationship. Instead, I ended up in a relationship without getting laid. It would seem I have my priorities mixed up, but I’m not going to complain. One step at a time, right? We’re in no rush.
It feels like blowing up a balloon without knowing when it’s going to pop. Let in all those emotions again, reluctantly, grimacing as you expect to freak… out any moment now. …Okay now. One two three now.
It’s quite the paradox: I feel like I’m on top of the situation at all times while realizing that the opposite is true. I don’t want to blow this out of proportion, though. It’s calm, it’s easy. Thank God she is patient enough to take it very slow with me, perhaps because I scared the fuck out of her by explaining how I saw things, or simply because she understood. Either way she’s not eager to get serious any time soon, which is fine by me. I’m not looking for whole lot of love right now, in fact it’s exactly what I don’t need. The concept itself gives me a bitter taste in the mouth.
In soviet Russia, game plays YOU!!
In the mean time, plans for the trip shift with the wind. But that’s good, right? Chaos governs change – A very consoling thought if you ever need one. Immerse yourself in anarchy and you will grow, simply because you can’t shrink. Right? Right.
Preparations are being made. I would love to take the boat elsewhere pretty soon, perhaps Norway (sue me) or something, although I did manage to let my shit get stolen this summer so winter trekking is out altogether. But, I hear there are farms in Iceland looking to hire tourists for a couple months for a decent wage. Maybe that’s just what I need.
I don’t think so. I doubt I’ll be able to work on my social skills as a hermit in an arctic region, and we’re talking contracts that span 3 months. I would die of boredom. Sad, I know, but that’s just who I am. I need my mind occupied constantly or it starts oozing out my ears.
– I need to get my passport in order. It’s still the old, non-digital model and it expired early this year. It’s got a picture of my 16 year old, long-haired self and for some reason, I never bothered to respond to the state’s requests to update it.
– C4’s. Not the fun kind. Papers that prove you got fired, so I can get my unemployment income. Dumb thing is, with the day-to-day contracts we use, I will have enough of those to fill a drawer. Bureaucracy: The effort of thousands of people just to make your life more difficult. And they wonder why they get flipped the bird.
I had to work for an event today for the staff of some fancy company. As I entered the building, the party was still ongoing and the dance floor was full of balding, middle age men and women in expensive suits and dresses. They were passing out all-in trips to Buttfuck, Alaska or where ever in a tombola and there were large tables with food, coffee and biscuits (yay for biscuits) piled on top everywhere. As I looked around and I saw these wealthy people yell and dance drunkenly, I couldn’t help but remember a speech from my old teacher after we asked about the big stereo system he had in the classroom. He summarized at the end:
"If you study hard and get your degree, you can get the kind of job that allows you to buy expensive systems like this one" And we bought every word of it.
Standing there, with calloused hands in my pockets and dressed in my work outfit, the contrast was more than evident. I wondered what it would be like if I would have finished school, and gotten myself a well-paid job. Perhaps I would have been sitting at one of those tables, flirting with my colleague’s wife over a glass of red Chardonnay- my fifth. I watched in envy how these people had fun, collecting themselves to move out of the way so I could work for them, asking myself what went wrong that I ended up like this, and they were the ones capable of buying expensive things.
In case you’re that dense,
None of this is true. I had to smile at some point because today is thursday, and their union apparently managed to wrest a day off tomorrow from the management. That, or some of these guys will be going to work with quite the hangover. A day off, rejoice, co-workers! Praise the Union, they give offer us days to sit in front of the television in exchange for only a small part of our wage.
They have money, and I don’t. But what I have and cherish, is something money can’t buy. This freedom, this liberty to say "fuck you" at basically anything, is likely the only thing that keeps me from doing so. This opportunity to turn my back and leave if something else presents itself elsewhere, is what keeps me going despite the fact that I probably wouldn’t. All these people, from the first to the last, would gladly give up their fat paycheck for the chance to see that Coldplay concert they couldn’t get tickets for, and actually be a part of it.
My roommate keeps calling me crazy for doing this job, but he doesn’t realize how I dance through the day at work. Okay, some jobs suck, but all in all my job is just a hobby I’m getting paid for. One that allows me to stand up and walk away any time of the year, and not just for 3 weeks chosen by my employer, but whenever and for any given time I choose.
Choice. How is it that people lost track of its value? Such a priceless gift, wasted in exchange for luxury. I saw the word passing by a shop the other day, and it hit me that I must be the only one in town that experiences the concept as a negative one. It’s unnecessary, and the price is more than one can imagine. We lock up our most monstrous criminals and call it justice, but we let ourselves be locked up without question, and without any crime but negligence.
Looking up, I see a plane. I could take it if I would care to. Okay, after I get my passport and paperwork in order, but I can have that done in 3 days. The problem with this gift, is that it isn’t even spotted in time. School systems, although obviously a good concept, condition their students to plunge into the working life of your everyday Mr. Doe and close your eyes to the opportunity until midlife crisis.
Don’t make that mistake. It is possible to compromize.