(x2+9/4y2+z2-1)3 – x2z3-9/80y2z3=0

If you find one of those LEGO blocks you used to play with, preferably red, and name it "confidence", and put it in a shoe box along with self-hate, fondness, indiffirence, anger, peace, anticipation, annoyance and so on and so forth, and make a hole in the box, close it and shake it, and line the bricks up as they fall and start over…

There’s me.
Confusing, ain’t it? Yeah. The last couple days have been a constant mix of "steps taken and sleepwalking back again", and a good side effect is personal change. The downside (the single most used noun on this site) is more shit to deal with, more buzzing to keep you up at night. I’m not even trying and yet somehow it feels like it’s all building up to one big climax, whatever that may be. I would say I’m scared for what’s coming but at the moment, I am filled with this warm fuzzy feeling that I like to describe as "Fuck you kindly." Perhaps it’s because dishonesty has become the trend of how people treat me, that I am getting a little short on patience, lately. If honesty was the agreement from the start, people, it goes both ways. It is not something to be taken and kept.

Do I look that fragile, then? A pouty little thing begging with its eyes not to hurt my feelings. Poor boy has been through a bit of a rough time and should be handled with great care, left in the dark about-
GET A GRIP. I wouldn’t have made it very far if I couldn’t face the truth. I probably had my eye on it long before you have, and I am fully aware of your silence, although perhaps not of its reason. So indulge me. Humor me. Spill it.

Those who think I am addressing them, fat chance is I am not. I’m just portraying my attitude as of late, but if you feel spoken to… I dare you.


Also, for logging sake: Yeah, I finally popped like I said I would. One step too far, it seems.
"Dying away from death." When suddenly asked this summer how my relastionship was going, my answer surprised greatly. And yet again, it’s come to that point again on more than one subject.
Cryptic? You betcha. But I swear, honest to god, that I am deeply sorry. I should have known, I did not.


I have free days again! Work has calmed down quite abrubtly (though I’ve been known to say that too soon) and once again I have whole days to myself. One of the immediate effects is that I can go back taking capoeira classes. God, how I’ve missed it. Although we didn’t do a roda today, the lesson was exceptionally much fun, since there were several students present who were above my level, and more importantly, like to take it up a notch. There’s nothing more boring that doing the same exercise over and over and over again with the same newbie, not learning a thing because if you put some effort into it, you risk killing them. Strangely, attacks are twice as exhausting if you have to do them slowly. Imagine having to keep your leg up as you wait for your opponent to duck.

I did well! My dislocated shoulder gave me some trouble but besides a slight surprise each time it protests, it hardly serves as a distraction. From the first evasive move my teacher went "Good!" and only gave me one or two pointers throughout the exercise inside the circle. Newcomers who hadn’t seen me before and thaught I was one of them congratulated me afterwards. I honestly try not to let this kind of thing bloat my ego, but it’s hard to keep your pride in check if you’re being praised into heaven. But eh, my ego can use a bloat once in a little while.


My roommate’s leaving the 16th. I have mixed feeling about it, after all it was nice not spending my days alone, but that was the deal. In fact, we’ve gone way past the deal, which was 1 month of sleeping over,and has now become 3 or 4 and a half, it gets fuzzy. Granted, he pays for food most often and does the dishes every once in a little while, but he isn’t that sexy. So off he goes, I hope he has a good life and learns not to sit by passively next time he promises to get his act together – It gets very old.

He wants to make his departure a big feast but I rather focus on cleaning up. Sure, nothing against going out for a drink or something, but not without washing the sheets and going through what belongs to whom. Perhaps mostly because mixed feelings are involved, I feel very… neutral about him going. Most would consider 2 guys in a 3 room house an impossibility, and even I had my doubts, but here we are: we pulled it off with relatively little bumps along the road, Maynard knows we had our fun. But being unable to do a goddamn thing without it being discussed, or having a problem whenever a friend wants or needs to sleep over, doesn’t help to keep the peace.

I don’t know. He may have gotten used to living here, but somehow so did I. I will miss him, but nevertheless I’ll be relieved to see him leave. Kids these days. Not my problem. Come back any time.


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