Traks

Elections are coming to town, and the whole country will know it. Every single politician has chipped in and are now playing the game that lays at the foundation of a flawed democracy; they are turned against each other and feuds are forged that will last throughout the coming period. Ladies and gentlemen: The pigs who rule this country. The bastards who rule us.

My mailbox has been bombarded with propaganda for the last two weeks, flyers from every major party full of flashy colors and smiling faces. Several from the right-wing party, even. Holding children, walking along the beach while gazing over the horizon willfully, fearlessly. I don’t read them. They go in my trash where they belong, because if they aren’t packed with bulshit lies, then the truth is bent and masked.

In Belgium, voting is mandatory. It’s fucking obnoxious but I don’t mind it all that much, because it allows for moderation. People who, in truth, lack a political opinion will vote for the ”in-between” parties, forming a government where extremes can meet rather than rule.
People died for this right. Women, workers, students, the road to democracy is covered in blood. However, I don’t think it is time for us to pat ourselves on the back and sit on our lazy asses. Because if we do, we end up in a situation like we find ourselves in, today. We’re stuck with a system that is fundamentally flawed, frustrating, and obviously inefficient. Countless “reformations” have occurred but none really changed anything.

I was addressed the other day by a woman active in the left-wing party ‘GROEN!’ [GREEN!] They have been stuck at the very bottom of the ladder ever since they fucked up back in the early 90’s in such a recordbreakingly brisk manner, that they blew their trust for many years to come. In my eyes, they’re naive, and voted for by people who don’t really get what politics are about, and think it a good medium to express their love for kittens- and treefucking.

I hate it when they approach me, because then I have to explain myself all over again.
You see, I don’t vote. I do show up, but I paste a nice red ‘A’ on my paper and file it in. I’ve done that since the very beginning, and my ideals have hardly changed since then. And every time I get the same reaction: “You know you’re giving your vote to the biggest party then, right?”
Wrong. It’s when you vote blank, that it automatically goes to the biggest political party. If you vote invalid, you declare your vote nil. At least, that’s what I’ve been told, and that’s what I tell them. And the fact that they have nothing to say to that, shows that they really don’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about. They’re just buying whatever they are told and will even swallow what I feed them. But even when I’m wrong, it’s the closest I can stick to my principles without getting fined. I’m so sorry.

You can’t protest the principle of marathon by running it it. In the same way, you can’t question a political system by participating. The fact that I openly admit to all this has sparked many a discussion, and I hope I managed to make a few people take a step back and reconsider. I’ve been called “passive” for this behavior, but I managed to point out that this active protest is far less passive than voting for a party you know too little about.

Things are decided behind our backs. Economical decisions are made without the presence of independent press. Top secret meetings with multinationals are held, deciding the fate of many without their knowing. People are kicked out of their houses by the very government they elected. Do you think they would still vote for those people if they knew? Wouldn’t that be a slightly more honest agenda? “We’ll kick you out of the home you built in favor of a Volvo factory that will be expanding this way rather than the fields on the other side. I suppose you shouldn’t have gotten in the way of them and the freeway. Cheerio. Thanks for your vote.”

An honest, see-through way of ruling our country, is that so much to ask? Isn’t that the core principle of democracy, or is it really still a characteristic of anarchy? Economic, judicial, principal matters agendas should be made perfectly clear. No lies should be told, mingled with truths to make the difference impossible to make out. Voting is the declaration that you are willing to believe everything a party swears to, including the promises they have already broken in the past and the details that every single elected government immediately forgot about as soon as they were given the power.

I tried to explain this to that woman, and she immediately went, “Not with GROEN! of course!”
She was lucky to be my friend’s mother or my immediate response would have been about how misguided she was. She couldn’t even properly lecture me about the principle of voting, let alone the agenda of her party that she obviously never seriously reconsidered. So I stuck to the fact that in today’s economical environment, taking it as an example, it’s simply not possible to alter the fundamental principles of Belgium’s politics by stepping into them. I didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about, but she bought every single word. Flawed reasoning 101: Fight fire with fire.

Until a black flag party steps forward with the promise to rebuild our ruling system from the ground up, and show themselves crystal clear in their intentions, I am not voting. I rather cast my vote than give it to a party, any party, that bases itself on the web of lies over our heads.

 

 

I am dancing through life. There is a Kylie Minogue tune drifting between my ears and I’m walking on, sporting the most fucked up, careless two-step dance moves.

I wouldn’t be me if that didn’t worry me to no end. Don’t get me wrong though, I am enjoying every moment, every step. Every time I walk the city with friends or family, I catch myself thinking, “This is the life.” No worries on my mind, company I enjoy, and the freedom to choose otherwise on almost every subject.

This in itself is only positive, but what strikes me most is the black and white contrast between me, about a month ago. I remember that night vividly, where I couldn’t sleep and the walls came down on me. I could have screamed in frustration after I failed to compose my thoughts for the hundredth time in mere seconds, my cell phone in hand with my ex’ number on it.
I didn’t call. I calmed down on my own and eventually fell asleep. And I remember the words very clearly, the only solid thought to hang on to: “Let’s just get to Scotland, and see from there.” At the time, I was far from certain that I would ever even make it there.

And then the Americans came, and the world blossomed like a flower. What happened there? Did I lose my mind? Circumstances were hardly different, but my view on them couldn’t have been less so. And now things are physically changing for the better, I’m running out of pockets to stuff my happiness in. I wish I could save some for later, because inevitably times will come when I’ll need to fall back on it again. But I can’t, so… despite my concerns, I go with the flow.

I didn’t want to admit it before, but I suppose it’s official now. Maarten has a girlfriend, and satan is investing in fleece. My sister hit the nail on the head when she remarked, "She’s beautiful. You’re lucky, you know that. Someone with an ugly face like yours usually doesn’t get this lucky.” Yeah, we get along quite well.
My sister is honest to a fault, and in this particular case I just nodded and mumbled, “I couldn’t have put it better, myself.” Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate or even dislike myself. I have my moments and looking in the mirror, I don’t think my face is that ugly at all.
But she likes me. How cute is that? And once again, I have to shut down that constant nagging feeling and shrug it off, so I can concentrate on enjoying her presence and finding openings in her defense to pin her. I still owe her a bruise or two.

In other words, this is the last you’ll hear of these doubts. After 24 years, I am above that kind of thought. As much as I consider everything to have a positive and negative side, I can ignore either and focus on the other. Everyone can, but I do it consciously, which makes it much easier to ban several kinds of destructive thought patterns (self hate, hate towards mankind, failure to accept reality as we perceive it and so on) and willingly enjoy life.
Of course I have my dark moments, like everyone does. But I can usually reason my way out of them and now…
I have someone to share them with.

 

 

Rebirth never goes without death. Depending on how much you want to live, you have to kill things you rather wouldn’t. It doesn’t mean you give up on them, it just means you want them redefined.

You were a dear friend and tutor, I will miss you in ways I have never missed anyone else.
We’ll talk, but not soon. I wish you would follow my advice, for once.

 

 

I went back and thoroughly edited an earlier post. At the time, I considered the second half not only inappropriate, but too honest for my own good. In short, I chickened out.
http://verminsnest.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!3C6FD74AD17AB9C9!767.entry
If you are concerned at all, you may like the change.

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5 responses

  1. Nath-en-J

    Nice, a girlfriend. So when you put on some pics… I am curious right now

    6 June 2009 at 12:41

  2. Nath-en-J

    She is indead beautiful. You didn\’t ly about that. She\’s into younger men?I had a facebook account which i deleted because of some reasons. Want a log like you so i guess i will be on spaces in some time from now

    6 June 2009 at 21:20

  3. For days I’ve sat down at my computer, pulled up my notepad, and tried working out something that I could say to you. Every time I do, I start to cry. I’m stabbed by this sharp pain in my chest and I feel my heart starting to race. Much like it did when you left. Much like it is now.

    You were once someone I greatly admired. Someone who could never do any wrong by me. I remember a day when I would get excited as I waited for a chance to get to talk to you, even if it was only for a few minutes because those few minutes would tell me that I was worth your time. I cherished every moment I could have with you as you meant the world and then some to me. I dreamed about finding myself out there with you, enjoying your company while being showed around this amazing city of history. We would share music and experiences, find some of these places you tagged with paint only to remember what they looked like before they were covered up again. I remember a thought about wanting to go swimming in the canals, and I could always hear your voice laughing at me saying, “No, you really don’t” while Axel played with the guitar in the background. Or the many hours where we would talk while you created your stencils. Maybe you didn’t know it, but I could always hear the level of concentration in your voice.

    I remember the times when you would wake up to find messages from me about losing hope and giving up, or wanting out. I must have scared you because you got mad at me for that. Or me going on about how Lance had pinned me in the corner and yelled at me saying I was nothing and worthless. In a lot of ways I felt it, and you were my last shred of light, and that maybe there was someone deep down within that was worth keeping around. I felt the same way about you, and I would have done everything in my power to see us both thrive together one way or another.

    There was one day in my life that I will never forget. I told you I was feeling sick, and that I had suspicions of what it was. You shook your head and said you doubted it. My instincts knew better. I came home from the doctor that day with the news that I was pregnant. I didn’t have to hear you to know that your heart sunk about as much as mine did. The relationship I was in was no good. Even Lance was pushing me to abort because it would ruin three lives. I was pressured into believing there was only one way to go about it. Though it would be unfair to say it was him that made that call entirely. In the end it was my call. In the end I did what I did because I knew that if I kept it, any possible chance I had with you was gone. You would have left and cut me off. Of course, I never wanted to tell you this because I didn’t want you feeling any guilt behind my decision. Perhaps karma was showing me some black humor since you ended up leaving anyways.

    The next several months that followed were as dark as could be. I found the worst side of myself. Drinking and smoking every night, carelessly walking in wolf infested areas. Wandering in endless circles in bare feet around a lake. I didn’t mind the massive barn spiders that surrounded me at that time (you know how much I fear spiders). There isn’t much you’re afraid of when you give up like that. Everything potentially dangerous was now considered a welcome guest. Luckily someone knocked some sense into me, and it was enough to make me feel important again, even if only mildly. Of course, you were still gone and would be for quite a while longer. But I had faith that one day you would come back. And when you did, it wouldn’t be the same. Not that I minded. I just wanted you back.

    We had a conversation over a year ago about how you were angry that people felt the need to pity you because you were single, despite the fact that you were happy and getting laid at the time. I told you that I was glad you were in a better state of mind, and that someday you would find someone you could fall in love with. I told you that you were a good person and that you deserved to find someone worth while. It looks like you did. And I’m glad you managed to move on from us because, as you so clearly stated, it never would have worked out even if we wanted it to. For the record, I still think that excuse is bullshit. People move in and out of Europe, and granted it’s hard, it’s not impossible. But that time has passed, so there’s no point in dwelling on it. You gave up on that idea a long time ago. Whatever the case, I’m still happy that you found someone to share your life with. What makes me not so happy is the fact that, once again, you feel that all I am is an ultimatum that needs and worthy enough to be cut off because there is no other way.

    At first, I was incredibly hurt and devastated that you decided to go through with cutting me out again. The “Death” that needs to be sacrificed in order for you to move forward with “Rebirth”. And then as I thought about it, it simply made me angry. Beyond angry. I loathed you for it. How could anyone give up on years of friendship like that? I’m not insensitive to the subject. I am very much aware of the fact that your girl is uncomfortable with what we once were. But that’s the thing. Once. That relationship ended years ago and it would never be touched again. Not only that, but you are in Belgium. I am in Canada. There are no less than 8 different time zones, the Atlantic Ocean, and relationships between us. What the hell could possibly happen that would give either of you a need to worry to such an extent.

    Do you remember when I first started dating Justin I had owed you a favour. You called me out for it, and I refused because I just got into a relationship and it wasn’t right to betray him like that. Justin knows about that, you know. He has since that day. And not once did he express concern about me being friends with you still. It’s not his place, and he knows that. It is no ones business who I am friends with but mine. And you know what? If anyone told me I had to leave you because it makes them uncomfortable, I would tell them to either learn to deal with it, or go to hell and leave. No one is going to guilt trip me into leaving someone behind that mattered so much to me.

    Countless times over and over for the past few months I have been angry with myself, wondering what I could have done to be better about things. There must have been something that gave you an excuse to feel justified with writing me off so quickly like an expired piece of meat. I put the blame on myself every day, hating the idea that I’m the reason you are no longer here. Like I wasn’t good enough.

    And then it dawned on me. You now care about someone who doesn’t like me. That’s great. We have to deal with people like that all the time. Unfortunately for you, you are the one who had to make the decision to handle the situation according to what you felt is best. You left me once before, making me feel used and unwanted. Surely it’s just as easy to leave again now that you have something else to hold onto. I’m glad one of us didn’t have to suffer through that pain.

    I guess what it all boils down to is that I’m so painfully disappointed in you. I thought I meant more than that in your eyes. Looks like I was wrong, and I can’t even tell you how much it hurts to be back in this situation, cut off completely, and betting all my savings that you won’t even bother to read this because you no longer care. Hell, I’m not even sure if you ever did at this point…

    I sincerely wish you a happy life, but if you don’t want me in it at all, that’s fine. I’ll find a way to cope. I just really hope that every once in a while you think back on me, and maybe even miss me a little, too. Every time I look in the mirror and see my raven, I know I do.

    6 July 2013 at 09:59

    • It seems to me, you are at this moment still more emotionally involved than I ever was. I cut you off not because of some rebirth principle, but because your obsession was a negative influence on my life. I don’t have to take that from anybody.

      And never, never ever, will I accept a shred of responsibility for your abortion. Ever. Do not link me to it in any way.If I had known, I would have cut you off ages ago.

      You’re a good person, but you obsess. About a lot of things. I suggest you get help about that, it will make you a happier person.

      At our closest moment, you were a crush overseas. Like I’ve had more than breakfasts. Like I know better than to pursue. Everything else took place in your fantasy.

      I’m sorry. Find a friend to talk to. Count your blessings.

      And leave me the fuck alone.

      27 August 2013 at 07:06

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