We’ve Been Framed

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road passed underneath the chicken depends on your point of reference. Duh.

Italian scientists have cooked up a theory that explains why the universe is expanding at accelerating rate. When I first hear about this, I assumed the same as Einstein did: there must be some force working on the bodies that pushes them outwards. Since there is no resistance, even the slightest push would result in acceleration.

Welp, I was dead wrong. In my defense, so was Einstein. A far more acceptable theory is that time is simply slowing down. Ta daa, you dimwits.
Upon pondering this, it did not make sense to me, at first. If the speed is a constant, say 100km/h, but time is slowing down, you would need more “hour” to cover the same speed, since it’s worth less. Where previously 60 minutes would cover it, you now need 65min. Speed is distance divided by time, and since it is now divided by “more time”, its value lessens and you have an object that now moves slower, instead. Take that, Italians.

Again I was wrong, but this time I figured it out, myself. By changing the equation, you change the speed of the object after determining it as a constant. You can’t do that. The speed is 100km/h and stays that way. You can’t turn it into 100km / 1.05h. Instead, it remains as it was but you have less value for your hour (much like economic inflation: your €/$/£/¥/₡/₱/¢/﷼/₪/₩/₭/₮/₦/฿/₴/؋/ƒ -did a bit of research there- is only worth half as much) (Copy-pasting those symbols just reversed the arrows of my keyboard, I’m not even kidding) and therefore divide by a smaller number, with a larger number as result. And thus, a faster object. Intelligent enough to comprehend? Want a banana?

The point was, however, that time is slowing to a standstill. What does that mean? I’ll spell it out: we’re fucked in every possible way and in several ways theoretically impossible. According to the scientists, everything will basically squeak to a halt and we’d be frozen for eternity and three days. Again I disagree: the planets prove that everything is, quite the contrary, speeding up. We cover the same distances in less time, so we’re only getting faster. And since time happens to be our frame of reference and not speed, we don’t even notice. Everything just seems closer by. We think faster, too, so in the end, subjectively nothing changes. Ta daa.

So riddle me this when you go to bed tonight: In a couple zillion years, we will freeze to universal popsicles until reality decides to go tits-up, but here’s the good news: nothing changes. We just beat time at its own game. I don’t think “zing” really covers it here.

I can’t remember when I last felt truly alive. Oh no wait, I can; About 10 months ago, on top of a mountain, hanging on for dear life while wind and rain blew right through me. Face numb on one side from the cold, soaked to my shorts and keeping an eye out for kids flying by. That is when I have the feeling I’m at 100% of my potential. And even then, I couldn’t help feel disappointed afterwards that it wasn’t just that tiny bit more difficult.

The further away you go from that, to where I am today, the more I suck at life. The other day my ex asked me, after partying her tits off in the Netherlands, what I had been up to. I shrugged (as well as possible on msn) and said, “Nothing much.” Her response? “Didn’t think so.” Yes of course, I had been to a friend’s birthday party and played roadie/technician for my sister’s shiny new band, but if you’re asking me to sum it up, that would be “nothing much”. I didn’t run from the cops, I didn’t protest anything, or mutilated the city with my “art”.

I seem to live for one adrenalin rush to the next. The closest I get is work, and my colleagues will agree that if I don’t get my rush there, I’ll fabricate it myself by putting us all in danger (Seriously, sorry guys). It leads to some people around me to think I’m boring as fuck because I never feel like doing anything if it doesn’t involve near death experiences. I just sit on my ass and “keep busy” all day.

I have €20 in my back pocket and up until yesterday, it was the only money I had. Technically, I didn’t even own it: I owed the bank €250, my landlord €200, The Belgian government €400, and a good friend (can you believe I had to check this) €100. That’s €950 of debt. Now; the bank has its cold hard cash, my rent is paid (but not my debt to him) and I have €600 left to get through the month. A disaster for some, but more than doable for me. You see, I wasn’t planning on flirting with the Reaper any time soon (it’s a she, you know) so I’ve got nothing to do but sit around and be mocked by the socially more adept.

However. You know it’s time for some drastic changes when you start the month with €100 in red. Figure this: I actually have to earn money now to be broke. This would be the perfect time to die if it wasn’t for the fact that I rather live. I’m going to take a long walk today, and talk to a few people. With my level of education (none) I can get a job whenever I like (ironic, isn’t it) and the government -in the form of the unemployment agency that conned me- might be open for debate on how the fuck I am going to pay them. They assume I still collect unemployment income (which I don’t) and they banned me for three weeks, while asking me to couch up a small fortune. It seems they have yet to evolve self-awareness in that corner of civilization.

Wish me luck. Or better yet: 063-9311766-92
I’ll just… throw that in the middle. Do with it what you like. Nothing under fifty plskthx.

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One response

  1. Maarten

    Try and highlight those money symbols. I think I broke the internet.

    7 October 2009 at 08:07

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