Grays

Snow is just nature’s way of saying… “Snow”.

You know it’s winter when you wake up to a white landscape. I walked my girlfriend (yes, girlfriend) to the bus stop and took the scenic route home, taking a break from my usual dislike of the stuff.
Back on my CS profile I open my personal description with the phrase, “I am a winter child.” It somehow just came up and I thought it a fitting idea. I’m not sure why, to be honest, I never agreed much with winter. And living my life more consciously since I quit computer games, my thoughts about the passing seasons have become more profound.

Snow is just nature’s way of making the world your notepad.

I miss the summer, badly. It’s a lot better now that I have someone to warm up against, but still. I now remember why I used to spend this time of year abroad, something my current funds won’t allow me. It’s little more than a psychological urge, though: Of all places, I seem to end up in Norway every single time. But Norway is cold by definition, I am willing to forgive that much. Nothing is more satisfying than accomplishing some climb or other if the weather is against you, and the view over a fjord is incomparable to when it’s coated in snow.
One of my fondest memories is one of a monotone sight of a line of trees, distinguishable only by the white silhouette of the snow covering the branches.

Snow is just nature’s idea of a facial.

I never go travelling without seeking change of some kind, in pursuit of rebirth after part of my environment or myself withered away. Perhaps that is why I’m so fond of it, and maybe that is why I link winter with my personality so much. Ironically, my escapist tendencies have resulted in a collection of my dearest memories in the coldest place/time possible.

Snow is just nature’s way of hiding dogshit from view.

This year, it turns out I have little to run away from and enough reason to stay. Luckily so, because my funds won’t allow me to go anywhere further than our neighboring countries, and it’s not like I’ve always been eager to go to Holland.
So I guess I’ll be staying pretty much the same, this year? Or maybe I lost track of myself and have done so already, which actually wouldn’t surprise me.
It’s starting to matter less and less, nowadays. I think it’s time to take a break from maniacally trying to get away and try and accept things as they are, for a change. Because in all honesty, they haven’t looked this good in years. I don’t need snow to see that.

(The above was written around the 15th of December.)

 

 

I was walking through the christmas market in Gent the other day, amazed by how much cynicism I have lost the past few years. It was fully intentional and welcomed, but the end result still surprised me. The market even managed to seem remotely atmospheric from time to time. Granted, I was alone and “All Nightmare Long” in my headphones easily rendered the christmas carols non-existing by comparison, but that happens to be my idea of romance thankyou.
Of course, it might just be the fact that I was looking for a gift for my girlfriend. It may have been projection from my part, smiling to myself when I finally found something I knew she would like. Whether you can afford something or not merely depends on how much you want it.

And right on queue, or perhaps slightly too late, she lost me like a bad habit. Something I would categorize as an “argument” was enough for her to declare the end of our relationship a-fucking-gain, without a single word walking out of my house -and life- first thing in the morning. Why? Because I didn’t apologize for being offended. Or something. Thing is, it no longer matters.

So happy fucking newyear, where Maarten will be paying €20 for catering that won’t get eaten. Or wait, I can take it home to eat it later. At home. By myself.
It hard to word just how much the whole world can go fuck itself right now. And in a sense, ironically, that’s exactly what it’s doing. The new calendar year will start in a few hours, and while it looked so bright only days ago, I can only envision a black emptiness when considering it now. Not in the emo way, but frustratingly similar. It’s an unknown.
Of course only one parameter has really changed, but it just so happens to be one, a lot of others are hinged from. Whatever would happen, at least I would have a relationship that I wrongly dreamed could handle a punch or two. A solid, loving relationship between two like-minded people who would at least both feel the fucking attraction that I was developing.

Nope. “Fuck that,” said christmas, and stripped me of love and lots of lust, passed me on to newyear’s eve, and sat me down on this very chair to grumble “spare me” at her wishes for 2010. On MSN, where else.
I’ve had enough. I’m done and over with picking up the pieces of a relationship that she shatters at the first sight of any kind of trouble. It’s her loss, possibly even more than mine since I happen to be somewhat more stable and emotionally mature.
Harsh? Try to be with someone who dumps you on a regular basis while living in a house with walls that crumble at the slightest punch. While you’re at it, eat shit and die.

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One response

  1. Elize

    .

    2 January 2010 at 21:59

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