Small Change

It seems I am stuck with an inferiority complex I was previously proud not to have. Just when exactly it stuck in my clothes I’m not sure about, but I only grew aware of it the last couple days.

If you work, sleep and walk together with people bigger, broader and stronger (although that still need proven) than you, I suppose it wouldn’t come as a coincidence that you try to compensate for that somehow. Not only do I make myself noticed with my actions, but it seems that I do so even more with my voice. In other words, besides trying to be the hero, I also have the tendency to boast about it.

This retarded behavior comes attached to a vicious circle, which I suppose is why it has escaped my attention so far. It’s something that occurs mostly (I should hope) at work, where I’m usually the smallest and in this kind of turbulent environment, it’s very easy to lose track of my own behavior and any attempts to keep my ego in check go right out the window. Since I am increasingly distracted by whatever is going on, I lose track of myself more and more the worse it gets. The only feedback on the job you will get is “shut the fuck up, will you”, which has the opposite effect on me (“YOU shut the fuck up- I’m trying to work here”) and restarts the process from square one.

I’ve noticed that I become numb to it all once a certain stage is reached. I’ve had a female colleague stand in front of me screaming “Will you please knock it off!?” for about ten seconds before I noticed her, because my attention was focused on somebody half a venue away.

The moment I noticed was when this cycle was broken, in the exceptional event that I got together with a few colleagues for no other reason than to amuse ourselves. After exhausting ourselves we sat down, and one of them pointed at me. “Since you were last, pipsqueak, you’re fetching us drinks.” I immediately got defensive, to which he rolled his eyes. “I knew you were going to say that.”
That kind of put me in my place, since I wasn’t busy enough to ignore what was being said. It was the first of many. Apparently, I not only tend to bring down the atmosphere with my loud remarks, but it has reached a point where it becomes predictable. I somehow knew this already, but I never cared much about it because I was largely oblivious to the effect of my behavior. I blame my colleagues for not just simply telling me in a milk-and-cookies moment, but then again it’s not something I would do, either.

I picked a hell of a time to start wondering about this, because the next day was one with a collective mood that got lost under stage. It sucks to be actually aware of feedback if it is of the spontaneous “you’re a fucking idiot, you know that?” kind. We’re taking down that same production for the last time tonight (after about six venues in one week) and I hope things will have lightened up, because I’d like to put some effort into breaking that cycle and seeing if it can be done some other way. I sincerely hate people who ruin the atmosphere and of all things, I do not want to be one of them.

 

 

My grandfather died- if you can call him that. He was the father of my stepmother and died peacefully in the local hospital, after successfully cheating death for a long time.

I could dedicate today’s writing to him. Because I feel his loss and mourn his death. Because he was a good man and a light in our lives.

I could explain how I regret the distance we had until it was too late, that I never got to tell him how much I appreciated his wisdom and learned from his company.

I could bow my head and ask for silence in respect for a great man, a tolerant being, an example to us all.

But I won’t.

 

 

Considering how irony likes to be a recurring theme throughout my (and pretty much everyone’s) life, it would only appear fitting how, after spending most of 2009 in heart-wrenching struggle with myself, that same progress I had been trying to force from myself would simply come naturally, slowly after giving up. A large chuck of my life, summed up in a single, overly long, sentence.

It seems I am finally growing a pair and besides relieved that there is hope after all, I am first of all wondering what the fuck is up with me that after I give up and turn my head for a few months, suddenly my confidence is growing on its own accord. It’s a great thing in itself, but I wouldn’t be me if I wouldn’t be laying awake at night, wondering what caused this change. Is it my efforts paying off? Is it my lack of them? Would it have something to do with my last relationship?

As was always the case when I tried to figure out what got me these issues in the first place, I am drawing blank. It’s like trying to find a pattern in a white wall: you can go batshit insane but it simply won’t work. What I did back then is curse reality for being what it is and cope with it, and today it seems that I’m pretty much stuck doing the same thing. Except I should thank whatever responsible, instead.

But for the sake of over-analyzing:

Why? Why why why?
Why was it this way? Why does it change? What’s the cause? What’s the reason? What’s the result? What’s the goal? Will it continue? Will it last? Will it stagnate? Reverse? Can I encourage it? How? Why? Am I encouraging it? Does trying to find out help, or slow the process? Why? Does it come with other change? Is it an effect of change? The cause? Why? Why couldn’t I artificially bring myself to it? Why? Why?

Sometimes I could split my skull wide open, knowing fully well it would be the end of me, so I could just organize and make sense of the spaghetti flushing out. So much in there that I still don’t understand, and of all people this is me we’re talking about. The sole person I’ve been analyzing and predicting for so many years, and whom I know like my back pocket by now. For each and every single thing I do, I can think up possible and/or probable causes, and I (think I) know the origin of almost all my feelings, allowing me to be very much in tune with them. It allows me to do the right thing when it matters the most, a feat I was always rather proud of.

And here I stand, without an answer, and as suggested before, it could drive me batshit insane right here. But that’s something to avoid, right?

So…

Fingers crossed, I’m just going to go with the flow. Hardly enjoying the ride, but at least interested. Until some epiphany presents itself, I am stuck with not knowing, and hoping that things will turn out for the better. Wishing me luck.

Life is a lesson,
You’ll learn it when you’re through.
-Fred Durst

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