It rained today. A rare thing in Belgium: Warm rain. I was walking over the cobblestones of my beloved city when the drip started, and immediately it hit me: the scent of wet stone. The metallic smell of city dust mixed with water. It froze me in my tracks; Summer started that very moment.
Summer, my summer. I could write pages with poems of how I missed you- if it wouldn’t be such a gay thing to do. The flashback where I stood was a violent one, a whole year of events. Several people’s faces, most of them new. So much happened since last time, when I eagerly anticipated the new season, yet so little has changed.
So little outside my head, that is. Around this time last year, I was quite literally losing my mind. The main goal of my two-month journey around Europe (emotional liberation or some such) had failed and I was getting ready to find more drastic means to quiet the thunder in my head- thoughts I wouldn’t want anyone on this world to think. What was even more worrying, is that I should have been recovering, which for some reason did not work as it should. My expectations for the summer were high. This was to be my rebirth, the summer of my lifetime.
Today, my situation is more or less the same as where I started back then, and frankly even a long time before that. And oddly enough, my mindset could hardly be any more different. So what did change?
Events influencing my emotional state pretty much faded, but somehow their effect did not. I had a girlfriend, but I am not eating myself up (much) now that we’re “just friends”. I still live by myself, but the names of the travelers who visited in the past 12 months are now written all over my wall. It’s funny how I allow my home to reflect the inside of my mind.
Anyway. The difference between then and now is that people came and went, and changed my view on life. Not my theories about it, but the color of it. It’s one thing to know why we exist, it’s another thing to exist successfully. The first I learned a long time ago, the second, well… I’m still learning every day, and I tend to slip. I’m not sure what exactly got me out of that rock bottom situation but I’m grateful for it, and not looking forward to a summer without craving the change it might bring.
It’s a peaceful feeling, if nothing else. An ease of mind, and I could use some of that. We’ll see what it brings, besides some warmth which I missed with a deep passion.
And while we’re in a melancholic mood:
Ahh, Love. I couldn’t give you an inclusive definition of it to save my life. I can list you countless of properties though, from “heterogeneous” to “over rated”, but whatever you might think of it, in some case or other, the opposite will also be true.
These past few weeks I’ve been re-introduced to more aspects of love than I can count. Working among actors with a liking to gossip will do that for you, but then again working in a large group alone will do the trick. Considering how multi-faceted love really can be, you’ll pretty much find it everywhere, but it to what magnification, depends on the type of people you’re with. You can say a lot about this bunch of individuals, but one thing they all have in common is that they are emotional thinkers, rather than practical thinkers like myself- which, I assume, is why they are actors and I am technician. God, the sheer amount of drama, hugs and kisses is bad for my teeth. It’s a huge change from my usual job and I can’t say it’s not unwelcome; more than once I get laughed at for trying to start a conversation about anything not genital related.
What it does allow is a broad perspective on the emotions that are brought to mention, and since this is, at least in part, a love story we are portraying, “love” tends to be one of the many subjects of conversation. On top of that, we are all living, breathing beings and things evolve in these two months for us, for better or worse. There are more than a few of them I would like to offer some comforting word, but coming from the dry mohawk’ed sound technician, I think it would just sound very misplaced.
So: Hope for their recovery or continued happiness, and mind your own business until asked.
To the point. All this sap is rubbing off on me.
I can’t tell you what love is. I can only tell you what it’s not: It’s not an illusion. It’s not a dream. Just because it isn’t physically tangible doesn’t mean it’s not real. It manifests in our chemistry and resulting actions. Its effect is strong, frighteningly so. It’s there and the act of ignoring it is paradoxical, similar to trying to ignore your own thoughts. It’s deeply rooted in our nature, and I can tell you why.
There are indeed people who can’t love, and don’t need to. Thing is though, the chance of these people reproducing is limited, which has the evolutional effect that these people are “weeded out” of the gene pool aside from the occasional mutation.
Let’s put this in other words: You are alive today because your ancestors loved each other. That’s how deep it is within you: it is practically a necessity for you to exist. Your life is built on love, in a sense.
It seems absurd to try and ignore this. You might as well deny the existence of a limb and hop around on the other one.
If there is anyone who understands the individualistic tendency to throw the status quo overboard and think for yourself, it would be me. But you can’t run away from what’s in your nature, it just doesn’t work that way. Thinking that you can will leave you with a void of reason for your actions or the depressing conclusion that you fall in that very pit you’re trying to avoid, time and time again. Will it make you any happier?
I often wish for things to be more simple, for the possibility to enjoy life as it comes without this constant nagging feeling. Ironically though, the focus on that only worsens its effect so I quickly move on. And in all honesty, if the chance existed for me to rid myself of the capability of falling in love… Would I take it? I doubt it. I certainly had moments where I would, but I’m almost certain I would just regret it at a later stage. Or do you need to possess love to long for it? I think the act of trying to reason my way out of this might possibly be even more nonsensical than denying love’s existence, altogether. Time to walk away.