Dear Motherfucker

Dear Sir,

I’m afraid I can’t say I know you very well. I wish I did, though, because there is so much I think we could talk about. Perhaps we could get to that, some day.
I assume you know me better than I do you; after all, you live with someone who is bound to share a few details about me once in a while. You know, your girlfriend? My ex? I’d love to hear what she said, you should tell me over a beer some time. Our relationship (you and I, that is), if at all existing, could at least be called unique- at least as far as I am concerned. As stated before, I don’t really know much about you.

But here’s a few things that I think I do know: If what I hear is correct, you’re smaller than me. Younger, too. And apparently you sing in a band? That’s really nice. It’s important to keep occupied these days and trust me, I can know. I hope you become rich and famous really soon, and get to travel a lot.
Speaking of which, you’ve been to Jamaica recently? I know that because I saw your girlfriend around that time, and she told me all about it. She couldn’t quite specify why exactly, I think what she said was “Something to do with his music and roots, you know.” And yes, I do know. As I said, I believe it very important to stay busy.

That’s not the only time I saw your girlfriend, by the way. I just realize: We went for a drink once or twice. At first it was me who contacted her for a status update, to see how we were doing and if we could sit in the same room without things heating up. She was very brave, telling me that it wouldn’t be possible, the way she did.
You know, in case she failed to mention this to you.
No wait, I forgot: She visited me on my birthday, as well. Brought me a few things that I still have, among them a letter with rather sensitive things that I am sure still apply, today.
The reason why that would be is because after our “date” (for a lack of a better word), she contacted me to meet up again. I thought that was kind of awkward but she had a good reason; her relationship with you wasn’t going so well and you know her, she needs to share that with somebody close to her.

This leads me to something I would like to ask you if we would ever run into each other: When she and I went through the last few weeks of our relationship, did she also roll her eyes when talking about me? Did she call me boring, a whine, and her relationship tiresome? I can only assume that she did, which, I’ll be honest, hurts me a little to think about. So I want to warn you: if she did back then, then maybe she might be nearing that point now, where she could have second thoughts about it all and do things she might later regret.
Do with it what you will, I would just like to pass my experience on to you, the younger generation. Perhaps we should really do this over a beer…

Very well. Something else entirely, then:

I sincerely hope you didn’t take the whole wedding affair (no pun intended) too personally. I heard you took it pretty badly, but perhaps that is because you thought it was the first time we saw each other? Hmm, that couldn’t be. She would either tell you or you would figure it out on your own.
I hope you know it’s not personal. We just have the same friends; those people that came to see your show that one time. It were two days that neither of us could miss, or I am sure she would have paid better attention about your feelings, and your definition of and ideals about love, that you seemed to believe were relevant. I wish you would have come with her, so we could share these things face to face.
I’m also sure that then, she wouldn’t have come to pick me up at home, she wouldn’t have asked me to dance with her, and she wouldn’t have been flirting enough to give a British Royal Guard an erection. To spare your feelings, you see. I also doubt she would have made it kind of obvious that she didn’t mind at all having her ass grabbed on the group picture (see the face she makes there?) and thus making everything she wrote in that letter, still true and actual.

You see, I am single, and she is not. I have nothing to lose but sadly, she does. This must sound familiar to you but rest assured, throughout those two days I decided that it would probably be better if I let things lay as they were. I didn’t want to stoop to your level and hurt her all over again with a relationship that will forever live in the shadow of something much better. For her, but also for you. I just… kept her warm, for you. As a gesture of kindness. Or did you keep her warm for me? Do you, still? Only time can tell.

No, I prefer more subtle methods. Low, I know, but not even close to you, you sorry excuse for a rival, who does not only refuse to face me, but forbids his girlfriend to do so. Not that I blame you- you are more than right. Keep her away from me, far away, because with every minute spent with me, she gets her nose shoved into the reality that is EVERYTHING she once had and gave up… for you. For what you give her, today, tomorrow.

Oh, my. I got a little carried away, there. Accept my apologies.
Perhaps I’ll see you some time. Some time soon, if you ever hurt her the way you already did.

 

Sincerely,
Maarten

 

 

Dear reader,

I don’t normally address you but in the light of the situation, I feel like I should.

The above text is based on true facts as well as wishful thinking and blatant lies. I’ll leave it up to you to determine what is real and what isn’t, but be aware that the truth might shock a little.

I came up with this whole text walking through town, and it felt so right that I had to write it down. And now that I did, it looks so right that I want to put it up with all the other snippets I had over the past years.

It’s low, it’s childish, and it shows poor character. I am aware of that. And I don’t care. We all have our weak moments, and I think that all things considering, I could do much worse.

 

Thanks for reading.
Maarten

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