Friends & Benefits
Point of subject a couple times recently:
Men will sleep with any of their female friends, if they should so ask.
The statement sounded pretty much like that, and after a second of thought, I just shrugged and agreed. Obviously reality is much more nuanced than this but for the sake of argument, I’m going to go and overgeneralize my own opinion because I believe it to be generally true.
The rule makes no distinction between men married, in a relationship or single, which is where I disagree. I’m the living proof that some men can say ‘no’ in very difficult circumstances, where they could perfectly have gotten away with it.
But otherwise, sure. I’d fuck most of my female friends if they asked. I find most of them sexually quite attractive and even the ones that I don’t, I’d still consider it out of charity and curiosity.
Yes, it’s asking for problems and yes, it will complicate any friendship very quickly, but we men will take that risk without thinking twice. We’ll probably regret it later, but we’d regret refusing even more.
The real problem should you go that far, is conditioning. My roommate brought this up and I think she had a very valid point: Once you start this kind of thing, it’s very hard to see each other out of that context. The idea that you could have each other with relative ease, makes it difficult not to.
“What a shame,” one conversation partner said. “To ruin friendships like that.”
We don’t think like that, though. It’s important to keep in mind the different viewpoint men and women have on sex. For women it’s an intimate thing closely tied to romance and love; for men… It’s entertainment like foosball or bowling. Give or take a few exceptions, of course.
Men would generally be perfectly fine with screwing a friend and leaving it at that. It doesn’t necessarily have to complicate a relationship, although I admit, it tends to.
Still, it kind of bothered me to hear it being called a “shame.” I really don’t think it’s that big a deal. Yes, men will fuck their friends, but they don’t. Voila, end of discussion.
The metaphorical ball is in the female camp. They eventually decide if anything will happen or not, and we men have to abide by that. This ‘fuck a friend’ deal is a passive state of affairs, where “would” is the key word, indicating that nothing will happen until decided otherwise by the female party. And since that female party is in overall very passive in its own way, in the end nothing happens and we’re all still friends.
I don’t see why this fact would interfere with any friendship unless acted upon. Many people think a man and woman could never be friends because he’d always want sex but I don’t see the problem. There’s man-woman friendships all over the place- They have fun, share secrets, go out without anything happening. Yes, he’d fuck her, but that’s just a side fact without any real meaning. A man will fuck things, and that’s the end of that. Why does it need to be a problem, if it doesn’t actually change anything about the situation?
Also, and again I am only pointing out the obvious: Men have feelings, too. The odds might be a little less in your favor, but when there’s a mutual attraction you might want to consider the idea that they might not just be out to get inside your panties. It might even go as far as refusing to bed you simply because they know they’ll end up screwed up over it- unlikely but you never know what type of guy you’re dealing with.
It would be unfair to assume men only want sex while many of us are simply crushing on some chick or other and have to prove themselves better than that. Yes, there’s types out there who will stop at nothing to get laid, but usually it’s pretty easy to tell the difference.
On the subject of casual sexytime, I am of course, assuming a few important factors that have little to do with sex, itself. I do think it requires a certain fairness and honesty: You don’t lie to your friends. It might be counterproductive to boast about your recent adventures but when asked, I think it would be only fair to be crystal clear about your habits. A one-night stand is a different thing but this is supposedly a good friend we’re talking about.
Also, women talk. As a man, you better bite the bullet in bed or you’ll find yourself staying single a little while longer.
Or so I’ve heard.
So yes, if you are a friend of mine of the female variety, there’s a very good chance I will sleep with you. But you know what else I would do with you? Talk about your cat, climb cranes, have drinks, share laughs, fight, comfort, listen to music, go abroad, and most other things you could ask for. You know, stuff friends do? Since they’re far less threatening to a friendship and the collective moral code, let’s go do those, instead.
I find “Friends with benefits” a poorly chosen term. Is there such a thing as friendship without benefit? Men are nuts about sex, yes, but it’s not the end of the world. We enjoy other things, too. While we “definitely would,” we are perfectly capable of having friends without sleeping with them. To reduce a man to his sexual drive is unfair and stigmatizing; it shows no more open-mindedness than going on about PMS every time a woman gets into an argument. It’s demeaning.