Identity tags

Among my old stagebuilder colleagues I’ve become known as “theater slut”. That’s because my jobs as techie have been mostly in theater, and needless to say, stagebuilds tend to think of the theater branch of showbiz, a scene for homos.

Funny thing is, they seems to be exactly right. The more experience I have in theater, the more I’ve become convinced that I, as a heterosexual male, am in the vast minority. Actors, directors, crew, not all but literally most of them are gay or female. Or lesbian. Which is also female.

I am not going to bother with homo jokes, if you don’t mind. One of the few productions that I did that involved heterosexuals had so many terrible fag puns in it, I decided then and there that any problems that arise with the gay community, have these shitty, mongoloid jokes at the basis of them. “Oh no I don’t mind gays, but they better not grab me from behind HUR HUR” god damn do I ever hate these jokes.


I am going to go ahead and say, I don’t mind gays. Perhaps you will now sense a “but” coming and in fact you would be right: I don’t mind gays but I don’t find homosexuality the least bit attractive. I will never understand what can make a man fall in love with another man and want to get married and have children. Ever.
And I regret that, too. I have the feeling I’m actually missing out, and that life just might be a lot more interesting if I wouldn’t find touching another man’s genitals, a repulsive idea. That’s right, boys and girls: I am actually sorry I’m not bisexual because it feels to me like I’m missing out.

So straight as a razor that I am (I assume), I often find myself surrounding by kissing men, lately. Generally they seem to do a lot less of that than say, my girlfriend and I, but that’s understandable considering the fact that every form of affection between them comes over as a political statement and could lead to the most awkward discussions with people you least expect. What a shitty thing that must be.

I once did a production with about 20 people involved, and I was the only one there exclusively into pussy. I must say, I have never felt so confident in my manliness as then, up to my ears in kissing and crying and conversations about feelings. While in music business you might be made fun of as “cock sucker” when you make the wrong gesture or statement, theater crew will find you funny because you appear to go through such difficulties just to appear manly.

It does get on my nerves, with all the touchy-feely communication, careful with each other’s emotions and characters, and bla bla. But what confuses me even more, are those who are unhappy with their gender and shamelessly redefine it. It doesn’t necessarily have to involve surgery these days: it’s simply called “gender identity” and is now open for everyone to make up for themselves. Guys wanting to be called a “she,” inventing names for themselves inspired by Norse goddesses or some such, lesbians who claim to have a member larger than mine. It’s as if gender is defined by its name these days, and who gives a shit what you’re born with- it’s what between your ears that counts.

I’m not going to touch it with a 10 foot pole. If they want to play that game, fine by me- I don’t. I’ll call them whatever they want to be called and treat them equal to any other, but simply can’t help finding feminine men and (overly) masculine women seriously unattractive. I’ve struggled with this for a little while, because I don’t want to be judgmental about other people’s ways; but that’s simply how I feel. I was born with the luxury of a sex that fit the status quo so there’s nothing that forces me to find all this confusing mishmash of sexes, entertaining.

So there:
Homosexuals, bisexuals, gender changers, benders, all you free-thinking lot that carelessly seem to wander away from the conservative male-female principle and set out to discover a new, technicolor sexual self: Good for you, I encourage your out-of-the-box thinking, but I find you all pretty unattractive. My bad. Oh well.


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