What use is a mind if you can’t keep it under control? What good will it do to think if you can’t think about what’s important?
After spending god damn years on compensating for social skills taught in boarding school and an education defined by failure, it feels like my brain is currently escaping my grasp like an emptying balloon in open space. My attempts so far to figure out what’s causing it only made matters worse.
I am grumpy, tired, anti-social and rude. Yes, yes and yes, even more so than I used to be. I fail to give a fuck about seriously important things and kind of alternate between wanting to sleep forever and running up the walls Peter Parker style.
I was called a “Top Technician” today. As in, “You really are a top technician, aren’t you?”
I thanked him confusedly and asked what brought him to say that. His answer was “You give the impression you know what you’re doing, regardless of what that is.” His comment really made my day, and made me think, “Man. Totally justifies all the other things I’ve been neglecting.”
I’ve been neglecting just about everything but my job. My girlfriend, my health, my bills, my roommates and the house, my diet, laundry, my friends, I am pretty much neglecting all of that and everything else. But boy, do I love my job.
And it’s coming back to bite me in the ass. Shit’s going down the drain pretty fast, faster than I can muster the energy to worry about. I’m losing things, including my relationship, I can’t think straight anymore, I forget groceries while reading them from a slip of paper. I cannot concentrate on anything but work, making it hard to remember the beginning of a sentence before it is finished.
I’ve always been a little absent-minded but the current state I’m in is seriously worrying. It terrifies me how clueless I am, and how disconnected when I’m reprimanded for it. And I can’t grasp what’s slipping away from me, I can’t pinpoint just where things go wrong, like I used to be able to, and fix it. Time and time again I’ve been able to change my thought pattern fundamentally in order to be less aggressive or more optimistic and it’s always been hard but doable, but at this point I am fucking blanking out.
Trust me when I say, this is one horrifying trip I’m taking. I’ve managed days where I literally angered about a dozen people in a single show of apparent disrespect and all I can do is say I’m sorry, and I really am. They tell me they worry about me and think something is wrong, but nobody does either of that more than myself. Everybody wants something from me and every time my mind fails me, I am flooded with disappointment and while people scold me and ask what the fuck is the matter with me, I sit and nervously, frantically try to dig between irrelevant and unwelcome thoughts for some cause, some reason for my own mind, my own being, to fail me like that. I wish I could explain that I don’t god damn know what’s wrong and how much I wish I did.
So it seems I might need some help. It could be as simple as a vitamin shortage, which makes me tired, which makes it hard for me to concentrate, which makes my memory fail. It would explain all the side effects like my moods of late. All the thinking in the world isn’t going to change the fact that I just might have to eat more apples, for instance. So I guess it’s off to the doctor with me, and check if I have a tumor or just have to catch more sun. I swear to god, I’ll do anything before taking brain pills.
Bear with me.