Guessing at Life
Life was simpler when we were young. Obviously it didn’t feel that way then, but as our mind develops and manages to compute more information at a time, the only noticeable effect of it is more and more questions.
I say “we” because I assume others feel the same way. So correct me if I’m wrong:
As I grow older and I’m collecting more responsibility with the new things I’m doing, I need some way to get a firm grasp on things around me in order to work with them. Basic understandings are sometimes a little difficult for me, you see. Good and evil, smart and dumb, efficient and inefficient, reasonable or unreasonable, true or false- it’s very hard to draw a line between all of these, even for yourself. But often, I am expected to make decisions that people count on, based on these principles, so I try to get them in order. Turns out, that is a difficult thing to do.
The world is a vast, complicated place and I tend to simplify complicated things mentally in order to work with them faster. It allows me to perform difficult tasks with accuracy and speed, but doesn’t do a thing for me when subjective ideas are part of the equation.
I know this city by heart because I can break it down into greater lines in my head. You can’t do that with everything, and I stumble a little, then. I don’t have time to reconsider philosophical ideas about good vs evil when I see someone stealing from my employer. Am I a bitch for stopping him, or am I a criminal for letting him walk away? These are things I couldn’t give two shits about when I was younger, but now that I am supposed to have more responsibility, and any jobs in the future depend on whether I can handle it, it’s not so easy anymore.
Already I’ve done things I never thought I would. Heck, when I was 20, I vowed I would never wear a button-up shirt. A vow that I broke. It would be stupid to keep it until the day I die, but isn’t coming back on one’s own principles a thing we accuse other people of? Bands selling out or politicians changing their minds are terrible crimes, but a young anarchist breaking his promises one by one is “doing the right thing”? It just doesn’t make sense to me, like a lot of things. And I happen to find that shit important. I think a person’s consistency is one of the most important things they have.
I feel that people who hold themselves back in life out of principle are making the wrong decision. I could be mistaken, but it’s what my gut tells me. Principles are a very good thing but as I’ve pointed out in previous posts, I deeply believe we owe it to ourselves to live our lives to the fullest.
Perhaps I’ll just stay true to that, and not take all my other ideas about what should and what shouldn’t, for granted so much. It seems that between all these universal laws of nature that I’m trying to untangle, there’s little room for a personality left, who makes mistakes.
Staying true to oneself is an admirable trait, but what if this “oneself” changes? I don’t think my love for life will ever change though, so I’ll just stick to that. I guess.