Underlings

“No person is so stupid that you can’t learn from them,” a friend of mine once told me wisely. And he was right of course, at least in theory. A theory I’ve tried to live by, but recently gave up on. With some, learning just involves so much patience, that I run out. I’m done interacting with people because it’s the nice thing to do.

You know them, no doubt. People whose world view exists in slogans and rhymes, whose principles change depending on the crowd they’re in.

God damn. God Damn It. I don’t want to hear about their sexual fantasies, anymore. Their biases. Their prejudices. The bullshit.
It’s an old craving that faded in my twenties in favor of chasing skirt and small talk with strangers I don’t care about: The need for exchange of ideas, of constructive discussion. Of leaving the table feeling like I had learned something. Frankly, I had given up on it: it bores people if you try to steer towards it, and makes for long, awkward moments at times when it would be more constructive to have a casual laugh.

But when it happens, when that connection is made, I find myself drinking it in, as much as I can take.
A good conversation can give me goosebumps. I would have forgotten that if it doesn’t still happen occasionally.

Because there’s also the others: Those who don’t just know, but understand. Who don’t just understand, but wield it in their reasoning, their reasoning in their discussion. The result is an exchange where the mistakes in point-making only come from me- I’m a little rusty and may not listen very well.

The others, how I admire them. Perhaps I could have been one of them, with teaching and practice. I feel like my brain hungers for it sometimes, ready to expand with intelligence. but it seems to get saturated so quickly, and I often catch myself falling back on slogans, dumb little phrases that do little to represent the philosophy behind it, if at all there to begin with.

After years and years without the need to think, I’ve pretty much lost the ability. I used to write, man. Pages per day, with nothing but reasoning, paving the path for my mind to wander. I still use those, as shortcuts to go and build new theories, however small. But in the end, I’ve all but stopped reasoning, altogether.

I’m happy in this state, mind. I bet most of us are. We’re good people. But when the chance arises and I find my legs twitching, head pounding to follow the ideas of my conversation partner and at the same time, check their ideas against mine, it feels like we’re soaring skies. I have a hard time keeping up with my little wings, but for a few moments, I can. I miss that, more than I realize.


The same friend as before, coincidentally, once tried to educate me on how to score chicks. That is, lots of people tried, but the difference was that he didn’t actually know, either. In fact, he had started educating himself around that time. I got documentation through email and had endless conversation as to why I was pretty much still a virgin.

You see, when I became single at age 22 after having gone through puberty with a redhead, I was briskly thrown into the single life where I got to watch my confidence and sexual appetite switch places.
I can now bravely state that even after I found out she had cheated on me, I was faithful to her to a fundamental level. When the relationship ended, my eyes nearly fell out of my head when I started noticing the rest of this town’s female population.

Of course, noticing them isn’t going to cut it- They have to notice you, as well. And that’s where I failed, until it started to bother me and I asked my friend for help.

I read the pdf books that he sent me; they’re quite popular on the internet for easy to deduce reasons. Not far into them, though.
Nowadays, random people I meet try the same thing: Getting Maarten laid by elaborating on women’s basic bodily functions as though I just fucking asked them how babies are made.

And yes, I know the tricks. I was explained by men and women alike, did the occasional reading, and even have some experience of my own to go by now. Girlfriends admitted some thing or other was a turn-on, and later in the relationship switched subject to what it is that they dislike about me. HAHA NO I’M NOT BITTER

Here’s the catch, though: About 90% of the things chicks dig, happen to be things that I don’t do. I don’t look people in the eyes. I don’t smile seductively. I don’t do compliments about someone’s hair or attire. I don’t do teasing. Flirting. I don’t do subtle sexual innuendos. I don’t buy dinners. Unless I really fucking feel like it.
And if you don’t like that, you can go fuck yourself because obviously, you won’t be fucking me. Story of my life.

And you know what? Mere days after starting the reading material I got, I decided I would no longer care. Mostly failed at first, but got better at it over time. I even decided to do the exact opposite of what I was reading. In short, I gave up. I gave up chasing pussy, trying to look like that spontaneous, chatty guy with attractive smile and big dick. Because I am not him, and if pretending to be someone else is what it takes to get laid, I prefer not to get laid.

Not getting laid. It was the best decision I ever made. It’s not going to happen anyway, and my evening looks a hell of a lot better after I stop trying. Reading smiles, sending messages,… it makes me fucking nervous, I develop tics and sit there sweating and wondering if she’s sending or receiving anything at all. Nope, I quit.

All this effort, all the wasted time I’d have to put into seeming an interesting guy. Trying to appear like I have a philosophy behind my life, a deep personality and a good lay. I chose to put that effort into becoming such a thing. Discussing said philosophy. Asking about her personality. Being my fucking self.

Ironically, this attitude has helped me become more spontaneous and confident in conversation. I can count the one night stands on one hand (zero, in fact) but the nights where I laughed and had a good time, as opposed to obsessing about getting inside her pants, are countless and counting.
In short, it has helped me become a better person, with more respect towards others and meaningful conversation. It may not be the kind of person girls want to sleep with, but might be a bit more interesting to wake up next to.

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