Blanks

If you’re an ex-girlfriend of mine, I give you 8 more words (starting now) to fuck off. You won’t like what’s coming.

I remember the last time I was in love like it was yesterday. Ironic, because it was years ago, on Christmas day, and I was alone. I was buying presents- actually a singular present, for my girlfriend, and I had to put everything down for a moment to keep myself from panicking. My chest felt like an old balloon, crackling and threatening to burst as it swelled. I decided to myself that this might be it, this might be the person I want to spend my life with. That I loved her, and had to tell her that as soon as possible.
She broke up with me later that night after a lukewarm argument involving sex.

I’ve kind-of loved since, but that feeling has never returned. It seems the balloon did actually burst that day, because I have liked, I have needed, I have cherished, but I’ve never felt like I truly loved someone since that day. I had flings with 4 people and a meaningful, long-term relationship and still, never felt the same connection to any of them.

It’s as if a limb went dead. One day I could do something, the next it was gone. I knew that, being with a certain someone should invoke certain feelings and I would go through the motions, but they were hollow and meaningless. I kissed, made love, made plans and meant none of it. I knew I was supposed to, so I pretended.

In the aforementioned long-term relationship, I did feel like I got close enough. All the elements were there, I was satisfied with that. But still I know it wasn’t the same, not what it could have been. In the end, it was far too easy to walk away, calmly, casually.

There’s this girl I know and my colleagues caught me saying, “She can have me any day of the week.” She’s beautiful, sassy, intelligent and interesting, and I’m seeing her tomorrow. I probably should be smitten with her, but in reality I am at the point of “kinda sorta caring about it”. I’m willing to follow it through to the end, practice the motions in hopes of invoking their meaning, but I know they probably won’t come. I wish they did- she’s such a wonderful person, she deserves the best and she deserves that best to be me.

It’s exhausting not giving a fuck, because it isn’t supposed to work that way and I want it to work. I need the comfort and affection, and need them to mean something. At the moment, I just feel incapable to return all that.

I’m not a big Disney fan but I can’t help feel a little disappointed with the love story that is my life. I always figured I’d be the “weird uncle” of the family but somehow didn’t expect to be the “weird single uncle” unsuccessfully hitting on family-by-marriage on christenings.

Have my emotions been compressed in comparison with that one moment? Has something broken right then, or maybe that night? Was it an exception to an already established trend? Maybe this is just how shit works and I either just missed my chance or experienced a fluke? Maybe it just comes with age and I just… lost it?

I’m still seeing this girl tomorrow. If this is the best I can get, I’ll take it. If it isn’t, I won’t get anywhere giving up.
I suppose it’s immoral to get into a relationship this way (let’s not get ahead of ourselves though) but that’s all relative. Just because I loved someone better before doesn’t mean I can’t be happy with someone new. Just because my feelings for someone hit a ceiling quite fast, doesn’t make them less valuable. A guy my age might be capable of half my quantity of love, does that make it immoral for him to have a relationship?

Pretty much everyone whose opinion I value on the subject is either an ex, a target or already demonstrating how not to cope. So I’m on my own, in more ways than one.
In a morbid way, it’s interesting going through this. I didn’t know my emotions were capable of fluctuating so massively.
I’d switch back any day, though.

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