Set back

I’m trying to find me a car. Which is a problem because I know nothing of cars. The market is huge and as soon as I dip my toe in, I get flooded with so much redundant information that I can’t make out the trees from the forest.

If someone wanted to rip me off, he’d probably get away with it. Not that I am naïve, but my knowledge of quality cars is so limited that I couldn’t spot a major problem if it were staring me in the face.

I actually had my sights on a car, until I went to have it checked by the official garage, who routinely declared it a total loss. By the time I rolled it out, it was illegal to drive it back home. Which I proceeded to do- the perfect way to lose a drivers’ license if you get busted.

As a result, I am still car-less and forced to wander the second hand websites, amongst Mercedes and Audis, trying to find a car below €1,000 with an owner that isn’t intent on fucking me over.
And again: I’m not good at this, so I don’t trust my own judgment. And neither do I trust theirs, so we’re at an impasse where I just don’t jump on the occasion that I’m offered.

As with most things, I don’t care about looks or performance much. In fact, I don’t mind a few dents here and there at all, as it brings the price down and doesn’t influence the key thing that I find so important: Reliability.
If I buy a car now, I’m going to be paying a small fortune in insurance, because I only have my drivers’ license for a short while. This on top of the price of the car and whatever taxes I might expect. Frankly, I don’t have that kind of money right now- this is all in effort to find work so that eventually, I’ll actually be able to afford a car that’s worth a damn.

So in a perfect scenario, this piece of shit lasts me a year or longer without expenses, I use ‘own transportation’ as a bargaining chip when applying for work, and upgrade once I make a bit more.
If this first car fails, this grand plan deflates like your father’s girlfriend. I got a lot riding on this and it’s not easy basing my first decision on uneducated guesses.

We’re trying to find us a roommate. Which is a problem because I know nothing of roommates. The market is huge and as soon as I dip my toe in, I get flooded with so much redundant information that I can’t make out the trees from the forest.

The old one gave us a hand by posting in relevant Facebook groups and despite the initial overwhelming response, no more than 3 people showed up.
We wanted to find someone for that same month and were pressed for time. Ideally, they would be able to join us the next day and start paying rent. I believe I told this to the visitors and didn’t think anyone had a problem with it. And yet…

It’s true, they told me that they had a few other places they were checking out. Of course- I didn’t realize that this meant that it might take a while before they had any concrete information. Information that I wanted, and proceeded to harass them for in the next few days. Until they lost their patience.

At the end, when they told me this and I went “oohhhhh…”, we had reached a point where I had fucked up beyond repair.
I don’t know if you have ever been disliked despite hard attempts at being likeable, but it’s not exactly the best feeling in the world. At a certain point, you begin to realize that no matter what you say, nothing can make it better. That there are literally no words that can undo the mistake you’ve made and the best thing you can do, is cut your losses and walk away.
So that’s what I did.

I have a knack for making people hate me. I am a person of strong principles and tend to not care for things outside them. Kick my shins hard enough, and I will make it a big matter of theory and principle that I don’t necessarily follow all that strictly, myself. I have a rigid stubbornness like this and especially people who tend to follow their instincts more than their reasoning, often grow to hate me with a passion.

And I don’t give a fuck. Ha, ha.
I am told very often that some behavior or other does not follow some unwritten social regulation and usually, I go and break another by laughing in their faces.
If you insist on judging me by my manners or vocabulary, then I don’t feel like you “get” the basis of life very well and I won’t take your opinion too seriously.

But when I actively try to seem pleasant and I only manage to creep people out, well… That kind of stings. It has happened more than once, where the other doesn’t want to hear it but I desperately need to say it. Where “I’m actually not a bad guy” will only seem like a lie.

I guess, if we managed to get into a disagreement like this only days after we got to know each other, living together would have been a poor decision anyway. Forgetting about this kind of closure I am looking for does seem like the best option now, and I should shift my focus onto the real problem: Finding a roommate.


Just days ago, I was describing myself as a ‘problem solver’ in a mock job interview during some training that I signed up for. So when I run into problems for the first time and I don’t have the know-how to solve them effectively, I get a little frustrated. I feel like I’m standing still while the world moves on without me- and it’s moving damn fast these days. My son is 7 months old already, and this October I should be starting a job that will require a vehicle of my own.

I can barely keep up. I like to take things slow so that I know I’m doing it properly. Jumping into rash decisions like this, with so much at stake, isn’t my style.
But we move on, right? Maybe I should stop fretting about cars and people so much- if it drives, it drives. And if it doesn’t dump trash into my bed [sic], it’s a roommate.


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