In Order of Appearance

Terms

There’s no business like show business. It is unique because it aspires to be: When a carpenter goes to see a show, he doesn’t want to see the same shit that he does all week. We still use the industrial standards but with every new thing that is designed, people work hard to up the ante.

It should come as no surprise then, that you’ll find many things and expressions used nowhere else. We have silly names for them, like pickle (a control box for electric motors), a lamp (light bulb), a banana (a line array of speakers), a kabuki (a curtain that falls by remote control), a snake (thick cable that runs from the sound desk to the stage), I could probably come up with dozens more if I put my head to it. And then there’s the abbreviations like FOH, PA, HQI, and so on.

But some of them are special and deserve some further explanation, conveniently giving me the excuse to talk about my job.

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The Jam

They don’t call us roadies for nothing. It happens that we spend more time on the road than we do on the job, effectively cutting my minimum wage in half as I don’t get paid when I’m not physically working. It also happens that we get stuck in Belgium’s legendary traffic, which is some of the worst in the world.

It’s not so bad on an ordinary day, but if there’s an accident in a crucial place, which is roughly estimated, always, a 1-hour trip has been known to turn into 4 hours. And don’t think you’ll get a cent before you arrive on the job and get hammering: When you get fucked in traffic, you get fucked hard.

There are 2 types of driver I travel with. I don’t own a car so I’m always the passenger, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but there are the guys who deal with it, and there are those who deal with it poorly. The latter has their day ruined.

I don’t want your day ruined too, so here’s how to deal with Belgian traffic when you’re a roadie or anything else: (more…)


10 Rules of the Leatherman

1. Thou shalt carry thy Leatherman. Without you, your Leatherman is nothing. Without your Leatherman, you are nothing.
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26 years to learn

Ok lookie a new category.

26 THINGS THAT TOOK ME 26 YEARS TO LEARN:

1. Simultaneously brushing teeth while taking a piss is surprisingly awkward in execution.
2. Good things bring good things bring good things and so on. The first step is to leave the house.
3. There are still people out there that don’t have a stage builder’s resilience to sarcasm.
4. When flesh and steel meet, flesh loses.
5. Bananas peel a hell of a lot easier when you turn them around and squeeze the tip.
6. Disrespectful language gets you nowhere- Except maybe laid.
7. Lefty loosy, righty tighty.
8. If she’s into spanking, she’s a keeper.
9. Besides maybe childbirth, there is no pain more fucked up than getting Reflex Spray on your balls.
10. Any kind of power comes with some kind of responsibility.
11. Never roleplay, in any possible way, without a safeword.
12. Never go into a coughing fit on empty lungs. It takes about a week for your ribcage to stop hurting.
13. If you’re a pretty girl and you’re sick, you’re the cutest, saddest thing in the whole wide world.
14. Cell phones come with voice mail functions and people really appreciate you using those when you’re being called in the middle of something.
15. Statistically speaking, falling in love is the worst thing you can do. And you’ll be fucked before you can do anything about it.
16. Every privately owned company, big or small, whether it is a news station, pharmaceutical company, record company, whatever; without one single exception, is after one thing and one thing alone: Your money. And as long as you keep that in mind, there is nothing wrong with it.
17. “Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” –Einstein
18. There’s a certain level of stiffness where new shoes start to walk you in, instead of the other way around.
19. There’s a surprising amount of things that are really tasty when brought to laptop fan temperature.
20. The dumbest words in their respective language are “could have,” “would have,” and “should have.” If you hear yourself speaking them; stop, pause for a moment and think hard what you’re really trying to say. Then say it, or shut up.
21. Never be honest; Always be sincere.
22. It may seem paradoxical, but always do what you want to, rather than what you have to, and you will come a lot further in life.
23. Peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches, bitches.
24. Bravery is not the same as a lack of fear.
25. Leave the apologies for after sex. Holy shit does it kill the mood.
26. The key to a successful household is a toilet and a vacuum cleaner that can make anything disappear.